Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Canadian PM Declares France a Colony

It's Time for Alberta to Take Charge

Recently, the other day, the Prime Minister of Canadia revealed Quebec to be a nation within a nation.

Not since Hitler annexed the Sudetenland has such a gross reach for power been displayed by a human being. Sure, you could go back to the dinosaur times when Mandy the brontosaurus clambered to take power of Pangaea from Moses, but that was before Christ died for our sins, so it doesn't really count.

A nation within a nation is the same thing as making a state inside a state. Most of the population of Earth is American, as the bar graphs below will display, and I feel that the following comparison will help you understand what the evil dictator of Canadico is trying to do: Imagine New York was its own nation inside the state of Delaware? Imagine how New Yorkers would respond to that news: they would overthrow the capitol of Delaware and eat their children. It's common knowledge that the average New Yorker is fed babies from the day they are born. Haven't you ever wondered who really started the Holocaust – New Yorkers.

Look, I don't want to trouble you with these problems. As 98% of the population of this Earth is Americans, this Canawdian stuff doesn't really affect you. But, you have to look at it deeper. What lies below the surface is unsettling – some would say shocking. A report received by this news agency just nine years ago reveals that nation-within-nation-building is on the rise.

Look at the statistics: 5/1%, 8/4%, 43%

Shocking, no?

So, what can we do about this threat to freedom? You guessed it – attack it. But, not us - no, we have to keep ourselves busy with liberating the other 2% of this planet. Everyone (98%) will agree that Iraq should be looked on as a model for liberation and successful war-waging. If we look to the brilliant architects of that war – D to the Rum and Con to the Rice and yabba dabba Pizzaul to the Wolfin – you'll find that they all have one thing in common – they are all from Alberta.

It's true.

Donald Rumsfeld grew up in the small town of Somesmalltown, Alberta in 1897 – 1894. Condoleeza Rice matriculated from Alberta High in 1988. And Paul Wolfowitz was an airman for the Royal Albertian Longbow society – look it up, it's on the Internet.

So, I guess you can see what I'm driving at – Alberta needs to invade Quebec.

I, like our (98% of you's) President believe in delivering freedom by the means of angry, diabolical, orgasmic warfare. Sure, some think that peace can be achieved by a handshake – not I.

I believe we need to deliver peace like a pickaxe to the face of tyranny. I believe we need to send freedom by way of an exploding dart that you shoot from bamboo into your enemies face and then his face starts to wither and then BLAMO - his face totally explodes because you equipped your dart with an explosive. Or, wait – nukes! So, you deliver peace to your enemy in this awesome bomb that annihilates all the living creatures (except cats and dogs, because people like those things) and leaves all the businesses and money and cheese and porno for us to enjoy when we bring our peace to them.

So, my point is, we need to look to Alberta to save freedom for Canadaw. I believe they can do this in a two-prong approach. See, Alberta is situated to the right of Russia and China. Quebec is on the right. Frenchland is up above it all (and are arming Quebec as I write this). What I believe Alberta needs to do is first win the hearts and minds of Quebec by killing Martin Short (I think he's from Vancouver), and then they need to make friends with the Russian Czar and the Chinese King Topeka. Next, they need to send their troops into Frenchland. But, and here's the rub, at the same time send their nukes to Quebec. So, Quebec's all thinking – "Dude, they're totally attacking Frenchland – dope, let's get high" and Frenchland would be thinking "Shit!" But, all the while – death from above.

Soon, Quebec would be a smoldering ruin – except for the cats and the dogs and the cheese and the porno and there's like these hotchicks that are so hot that they can't be killed by conventional weapons and this one Albertan comes marching through and plants an Albertian flag in the dead body of Rick Moranis and

You get the point.

So, let history judge my plan and me. Let the revisionist historians say that we didn't win in Iraq or that we didn't nuke Quebec, but remember – only true patriots dream and only true patriots go to war (in their heads) and only a true patriot can enter American soil and such and such.

God Bless Canada

Robert P. Zechert

Bar Graphs: *&^$%^#^&#&60%3

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