Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Hillary Swank Eats Children

Hillary Swank Feels for Dead People

Or

Boring Weekend

Or

My Mother will give you Diabetes

January 30, 2005: Hillary Swank appears on 60 Minutes and gives a touching portrayal of a woman who tried to revive a heart attack victim only to have him die in her arms.
90% of Americans believed or cared.
Which really makes me wonder why Bush didn't get more votes.
Yes, last night I watched in stupefied disbelief as Hillary Swank (picket fence mouth) wept openly as she told the story of trying to revive a heart attack victim (in real life, not the movies) in an airport.
The tears looked real, until I realized she's a fucking actress.
Look, maybe she did revive the dude. But, I doubt it. She probably just saw him dying from a Starbucks stand, walked over, asked if he was OK, tried to hunker down and help, realized her skirt would get dirty on the airport floor, and was brushed aside by an EMT.
But, let's just say that she gave this dude CPR and pounded on his chest and then screamed "Why God?! Why?!"
Well, do you think it's real moral to use it as a tear-jerking moment with that piece of luggage with eyes, Mike Wallace to get yourself an Oscar nod?
I mean, imagine you're the dead dude's wife and you gotta watch this she-male break down as she describes your husbands last minutes as they relate to Hillary Swank's "story."
Good lord I'm sick of this shit.
And if it's not almost saving some dead dude, it's "I lived out of my car and sold T-shirts for a living before I made it big."
Hillary Swank – go fuck yourself.
Really, I mean that literally, cuz I'm sure you have both of the necessary genitalia.
Which reminds me: is 60 minutes a comedy now, or an infomercial?

In other news, my weekend sucked dandruff.
Friday night: met up with my sister and some of her friends. This is pathetic. I mean, when you have to hang out with your little sister's friends, you are a douche.
Oh, wait:
(Sniff) and on my way to the (Sniff) bar, I....excuse me......(crying)
Mike Wallace: It's OK, Matt. Take your time.
(Sniff) I gave a homeless person...a....a.....dollar (pathetic breakdown and hitching of the shoulders).

Saturday I went to bed at 9.30 like a loser. The neighvors were partying and kept me up till fourish.
I now no longer want to ever see or hear from my neighvors again.
Ever.

Sunday was a delightful time over at my Mom's.
Well, delightful if you enjoy having your mother chase you with a diabetes needle.
I shit you not; my Mother decided to test everyone for diabetes over dinner. Cary got nailed first, then Brad, then she (no joke) nailed my older sister in the finger against her wishes and then forced me to do the damn thing.
I'm sitting there, beer in hand, looking at my mom holding a diabetes tester thing and saying "C'mon, are you afraid?"
Well, she chased me around the house for a while and finally suplexed me and administered the test.
I don't have diabetes. But, I probably have tetanus.

Did I mention Hillary Swank is a piece of shit?
Good.







Pleace,
Matt

2 comments:

Joseph Boroski said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joseph Boroski said...

Congrats on giving a buck to a bum (if you really did).