Billy Crystal's Hairy Ballsack Makes Another Appearance

Oscar Night: Secrets will be Revealed!

The audience enters on a large conveyor belt once used to run cows into the abattoir for slaughter.
"Dude, I think I just saw Leonardo DiCaprio cram a sausage up Al Pacino's ass!"
And you'll be right. You did see that.
Other things you see:

Clint Eastwood is kept alive by succumbing to Bullseye BBQ sauce addiction. As Clint explains it:

It's quite possible for the BBQ sauce junky to live forever. The nature of BBQ sauce is that the cells are fed constantly an evenflow of sugar and tang that reconstructs the cells on a 50-year basis. Therefore, the process of aging, of dying is null and void. The only problem is that it's possible to succumb to the addiction's overdosage qualities that can kill you in a heartbeat. That's why it's important to have the strength to kick every month or so for a week.

Barbara Walters is a zombie with a thirst for brains. You'll watch in horror as she randomly chooses members of the audience for an interview on her private stage:

Barbara: Hello, Ed Sponge. Tell us a little about yourself.
Ed: Well, I'm 45 years of age, own a Honda dealership and was able to score these tickets from a contest on KROK. Whoooooo! KROK is Portland's infinite RAWK! YEAH!
Barbara: Very well. And whom do you foresee winning this year's coveted best picture?
Ed: Well...

And with that, Barbara jumps at you across the stage, rips your head from your torso and plunges her maw into your neck and doesn't stop eating till she finishes your brains. Oh, and you are delicious.

"IS EVERYBODY IN? IS EVERYBODY IN? LET THE CEREMONY BEGIN!"

It's the MC: the Master of Ceremonies for the evening. The audience falls to a hush. You can hear low squealing noises somewhere behind the curtain.
The lights go dim. Then flicker on.
The MC steps from behind the curtain.
It's Billy Crystal's hairy ballsack.
Standing on a pair of moon boots, the six-foot bag of foreskin and pubes steps out from the curtain.
He has only a mouth, and no eyes. His mouth is a maw of teeth and flies swarm from it as he begins to speak.
"Greetings! Salutations! Good evening! I am Hamrod, Billy Crystal couldn't make it tonight and so Hamrod, his ballsack, will be accepting the mic tonight in his absence. So, this is it. This is the night the stars come out to....shine."Just then, the Millennium Falcon comes swooping down behind you and a large Death Star appears glowing behind Hamrod. A star battle involving X-wing and Tie fighters erupts as Ewoks and Jawas circle out hand in hand singing "The Sun will Come out Tomorrow."
You think to yourself, Star Wars isn't up for anything...there wasn't even a movie this year.
But, then you realize it doesn't matter as Nicole Kidman, Julia Moore, and Puff Daddy appear on stage having a terrific three-way.
The audience is stunned at lesbian kiss after lesbian kiss and some of the members of the audience begin masturbating frantically.
This relaxes you and you order a drink from a remote controlled R2D2. Your drink is Bacardi and Orange Juice.
The main event ends and a clip of Sideways appears. It's up for best picture and Jenna Jameson comes out to explain the movie.
"It's like these two guys who drink wine and, oh my god, this one dude's ass is all in the camera and this one girl beats this dude up. Girl power!"
It strikes you as odd that Jenna is wearing a dress made of human skin. But, the feeling passes and you light up a joint and wait for the next award.
Sometime around now, you pass out and wake to the Best Picture award.
Denzel Washington and Ed Asner appear on the stage and make jokes about being white and about being black and about this Polish nurse and this Jewish Nun, but no one laughs. Everyone is passed out or just waking up.
They announce that because of a clerical error, Titanic has won best picture.
James Cameron mounts the stage and yells "I'm king of the world!" He continues to chant this as blood flies from his mouth and he twists his head around and around like an owl on crack.
Speaking of crack, the audience is handed out crack so that they can stay awake during the acceptance speech, which is mostly gurlgles and pops with an occasional tooth flying from Cameron's mouth.
You smoke your crack and don't notice that a gigantic band saw is, very slowly, coming from behind the curtain and moving toward the audience.
Hillary Swank is riding the thing as it slowly decapitates everyone in the audience.
Including you. But, then again, you had your head chewed off by Barbara Walters only hours ago.
But, this is the movies and none of it is real.
Do you really think Clint Eastwood, Michael Moore, and Denzel Washington could exist in the same universe, at the same time?
No, according to the Heisenberg principle, this is not possible.
In fact, you are at home, watching the Oscars on your television set and have passed out again, because you can't tell reality from dream.
Oh, plus you're insane.
Hamrod? Jawas? Come on, you're nuts.
Accept it.
The End.

Pleace,
Matt