Friday, September 11, 2009

Brain Teasers

Some Brain Teasers

The Tease is on Me

Everyone I know loves brainteasers. Like just the other day I was talking to the one person I know, and he was playing them brainteasers. I said, "Jim, are you loving those brain teasers again?" And he responded that I have cancer and will probably not live long. That's when I realized Jim, with his medical license and certificates, was giving me a brainteaser!


Many people tell me I'm funny. It's like all the time. At work, at school, at home, at the doctor…it's like a gift, I guess. But it's important that you use your gift for good and not evil. I learned this at the knee of my mentor, a spider monkey. Spider monkeys are naturally funny – they throw feces, masturbate, and sometimes smoke cigars. So, when my mentor started humping my knee I could make out what he was telling me about the nature of the funny. That's why I never make jokes about minorities or people that are sick or 9/11. Well, not anymore, not with all this monkey spunk on my knee.

Jokes Again

So, a lot of people will ask "Where do you get your ideas?" This is like nine guys at this bar I went to when I told them about the spider monkey above. That's right, I test my jokes out on strangers in bars. I don't get paid and I'm often beaten up. And that's where I get my ideas. Like the idea about this joke about the guy who made light of minorities, cancer patients, and 9/11 and got his ass kicked in a bar.

Quantum Theory

Quantum physics is the study of physics in very small places. Like how a ball will bounce in a studio apartment or a vagina. Anyway, physicists use this data to make theories on how balls will bounce in the regular world. So, after bouncing balls around in a studio apartment, a physicist will be able to make predictions on how that ball will bounce in, say, Jupiter. But here's the freaky part: what if you tried to bounce Jupiter in a vagina? That's quantum physics.


Many brainteasers occur in the world of finance. Like when you bet on the ponies. You're all betting and thinking you're gonna win because your brain is all fucked up on amphetamines and absinthe, and then you don't win and you start crying blood and you rape a pony and you never set out to do that, man.


I will give you a short excerpt from a story I'm writing and I want you to answer a few questions at the end.

My wife is a liar. She's always been a liar. Ever since I met her, she has lied. She once told me that she was happy to meet me, but then later she told me she regretted ever meeting me. That's just one instance. I could tell you more. Like the time she told me she was sleeping with my lawyer and I didn't even have a lawyer, so then when I got a lawyer to divorce her, she slept with him and then made it so she told the truth, but in the past, and got my brain all fucked up.
Who slept with my lawyer?
Who's brain was fucked up?
No peeking.


In the book 1984, Winston Smith is made to believe that 2+2=5. What if it really was? What if when you take two toothpicks and you put them next to two other toothpicks, you get five toothpicks? I mean, what would be so wrong with that? Why does everything have to equal four? I guess that's just me talking out loud, but really?

Laura, Bob, and Hirohito

Laura is green, Bob is black, and Hirohito is blue.
Which one is white?

Magic Time

When I was younger, I trained to be a magician.
I know, trained?
Not every magician is born to do magic.
Just take my son, when he was born I tied him up in his umbilical cord and hung him from the ceiling. He could barely get down, much less do it elegantly.
But, back to me. So, I was training to be a magician and I realized something that most would-be magicians don't learn for some time – magic isn't a choice. When I realized that once I had turned magic, I would never be normal again; I realized I had to stop.
Being magical is a weight I just couldn't carry. Like that time I stole a fence.

The Round House

Imagine a round house with three doors on the outside and two doors on the inside. Can you make it from the outside back to the outside in just three movements?
Because I can't.

My Brain Teaser

Turns out my brainteaser is metastatic! That means it gets bigger and harder the longer I work on it. So, I was all like "We'll see about this." Then I couldn't think so good and had to sit down.

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