Thursday, September 3, 2009

Overheard at the Antique Road Show

Overheard at the Antique Roadshow

This is a Snickers bar. That's all it is.

Choo fuggin kiddin' me? Free jollars fir vis ving? I'm rich!

Santa comes once a year, but this year, he shit on me in July too.

Um...this is a four-year-old child....

No one can put a dollar value on your lost innocense.

So this is Abe Vigoda's garbage can - how much?

The fourth publicly burned American flag - how much!? see, Moses wasn't alive in 1988 and I doubt he would have owned a copy of Bannaramma.

I wish I had a nickel for everytime someone brought in Jesus' foreskin.

Gary Ridgeway's used condom? Value: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ahhhh. This would be from the Aaron Spelling Dynasty.

Sometimes it takes one man to change the world. But, it takes 458 to bring in G.I. Joe figures from 1983 to deflate the dollar.

Let's see if we can drink this opium laced Coca Cola before the next commercial.

This dead hooker is worth nine Big Macs in homeless money.

Hmmmm....the stitch on this is probably pre-1999 and post 1234.

See this small, bluish man working in the fields? That's a slave. If you sell this piece you are profiting from slavery! I don't care if you are black!

This may be the Ark of the Covenant, but I'm not Indiana Jones and I do have nine felonies. Later....

No one on the entire planet can afford genuine George W. Bush's bull's shit.

...but your tits are worth their weight in gold:)

L. Ron Hubbard's diary where he states that Scientology is as corrupt and barron of life affirming principles as a box of matches? I would say that's worth (bullets puncturing skin).

The ancient Chinese secret related to Tide? 134, 300, 400.

I've passed through a billion dollars worth of artifacts and all I want is a Whopper and a Coke.

Yes, it says right here: Made in the U.S.A. So, basically...worthless.

This may be Kim Jong's sanity, and it may be worth the entire worth of the planet, but it can't be redeemed until he hits Seattle with enough megatonnage to make not one, but nine Godzillas.

This is pubic hair? What gives? Oh, Ed Asner's pubic hair? You have yourself a nest egg.

It's times like these that I wonder why I gave up my job at U.S. Customs. (For those of you outside of the U.S.: United States custom officials are the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. In fact, Dante, from the grave, made a tenth circle of hell for them.)

Gold what? I thought he just had the finger?

Michael Jackson's soul? Post Thriller? I'll give you two bits.

Yes, it is true that the Greeks have some of the most expensive pieces on Earth...but, this copy of My Greek Wedding...well...I'll give you this Grecian Urn for it.

There's nothing more pathetic than ancient crack cocaine. But, while we're here...

Yes, this is Buzz Aldren's styrofoam piece of the moon.

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