Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Movie Reviews

I've Made a Friend in Charles Manson


Well, what's new?

The easiest place to start is movies:

Meet Truman Capote. He's a big city reporter who gets his hands on the story of a lifetime and makes some friends along the way. Those friends are tragically hung to their death.

This movie was pretty good. I give it a B.

Two for the Money
Meet Al Pacino. He's an A-list actor who makes poor choices. Enter Matthew Mac…you know the guy. He's a douche who hasn't made a good film since Dazed and Confused. Together they do a bunch of crap that I didn't watch because the first five minutes of this movie persuaded me to eject the disc.


Meet that one dude from Donnie Darko. He's a new sharp shooter for the Marines. Enter Jamie Foxx, he's a military sharp shooter…captain? Together they avoid every battle in the first Gulf War.

All kidding aside, this was a really good movie. In fact, one of the best of last year. You should watch this movie. I recommend a movie night with the spouse or loved one. You could get popcorn and drink some Miller High Life. It's all up to you. Anyway you want to run with this is cool.


Happy Gilmore
I know what you're thinking: I do enjoy the company of elderly women. But, beyond that, this movie was A – OK. Well, not A. I'd give it a B-. It had its moments and kept me entertained as my girlfriend cleaned her apartment. Oh, did I mention that I was stoned? Well, I was.


Oceans 13
Meet all those actors and actresses from Hollywood that pretty much are good actors as far as they are all those actors and actresses from Hollywood. Brad Pitt used to be descent. Like in his 12 Monkeys days. But, I don't think he's made a good movie since Fight Club. The rest of the cast is that group of Oprah guests that can't act their way out of a paper crisp bag. And, no, I am not British. It's just that when I see some of these people on screen I become a British snob. Oh, also I become aroused. I don't know why. Maybe it's the thought of becoming British. Yes, I think that arouses me. In fact, I think I may dress up like the Earl of Grey the next time I have sex. Is The Earl of Grey a real person? Could be. You never really know. The point is, I hate Julia Roberts, Bruce Willis, and all those other people that I hate.

Now, for the movie. This movie was enjoyable, the same way Home Improvement is: it's something in the background that buzzes and doesn't offend while I'm eating delicious burritos.


King Kong
Meet Jack Black. His gift to acting is MAKING 20 (FORREALZ) LOOKS OF ASTONISHMENT FOR EVERY TWO MINUTES OF THIS MOVIE. Also, there's a large gorilla. The first section of this movie was godawful. Jack Black is a film director in New York and wants to make a jungle movie, but the studios won't give him money. That one chick who masturbated in Mullholland Drive is an out of work actress. When you mix the two of them together you get…pure shit. This part of the movie made me want to explore the grout in my bathtub with an electron microscope. The next part of the movie was on the Skull Island, where Kong and various nasty creatures live and frollick. This part was digestible. Much like rat vomit is. It's not that it is impossible to watch, I just wouldn't recommend it for anyone over the age of 3. Sure, the dinosaurs and giant insects are cool, but where is the…You know what? There's nothing that could have been added to make this better. Now, on the other hand, you could get rid of the two most overrated people on the planet: Jack Black and Peter Jackson. Jack Black was funny once: in Anchorman. Peter Jackson does a good job of directing action. LONG SILENCE. Oh, were you waiting for me to add something? Well, there's nothing to add. Lord of the Rings was a pile of donkey shit except for the battle scenes and the script. The inter personal exchanges could have been trumped by Tony Danza and a hot iron. Moving right along, back to New York. The gorilla goes ape and…you know the rest. Piece of shit. I recommend taping over this movie and then fast forwarding to the lesbian part. Yes, I assume that you would tape over it with porn. Is that a bad assumption?



Meet Truman Capote. He's a strapping young fellow who decides that it isn't zany enough to have sex with men: he's into horses. Soon, Capote finds himself caught between his erection for large animals and his love for a death row inmate. Capote begins a journey into his heart where he has to make a choice between continuing on as a man, or continuing on as a horse. Yes, a homosexual horse. Capote becomes a homosexual horse at the end of this movie. Capote: it will make you think, it will make you cry, and it will show you the first dude that ever had surgery to become a male horse in order to have sex with other male horses.

Two for the Money
Welcome to Pleasant Falls, Indiana. It's a small town where nothing much really ever happens. That is, until Tony Montana decides to pay it a visit.


Matthew Maconaheehay is a little league coach that just wants to see his team win. In a lonely bar, Matthew meets Scarface and they share a beer and a laugh or two. There's an obvious camaraderie that is shared between the backwoods yokel and the Cuban gangster. Tony talks Matthew into letting him fix the league series by beating unmercifully nine junior high children. But, Tony takes things too far and kills 13 nine-year-olds. Now, Matthew is out for revenge. The movie ends exactly like Scarface did, but Tony is shooting that monster gun at Matthew and Matthew gets riddled with bullets and his head explodes. More children die. The End.

Donny Darko is drafted into the military on the eve of war with North Korea and Iran. It's a futuristic romp through space and time, where the next dimension may be your last.

Just joking. You'll be OK.

But, Donnie won't. An airplane engine lands in Iraq and all of a sudden this bunny turns up and starts telling Donnie to frag Jamie Foxx. After killing his sergeant and disposing the remains in an empty oil field, Donny meets Mohamed on a desert road and converts to Buddhism. Why Buddhism? Why not? I mean, explain to me that part in Donny Darko where Drew Barrymore and that one guy laugh for no reason? I mean, really? Therefore, it makes sense.

As a Buddhist monk, Donny Darko travels through space and time and wins World War Two for the Nazis.

Happy Gilmore
Meet Happy Gilmore. Enter Rob Schneider. Add some Tim Meadows. Throw up the Saturday Night Live icon. Joining the film will be Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray and the ghost of Gilda Radner. The six of these brothers and sisters travel to Egypt to perform a sketch about how life is tough when you grow an extra appendage. The movie ends in front of a live studio audience of grapefruit.

Oceans 13
So, it's like me. And I walk out on this soundstage with that RPG that Scarface has at the end of Scarface and Two for the Money. I take the gun out and shoot George Clooney in the face, then I whip around and fire nine shots into Julia Robert's ovaries, then I put the gun between my legs and pretend it's a cock as I fire shot after shot into Bruce Willis' forehead. This movie lasts about two minutes. Five with the credits.

King Kong
Oprah Winfrey stars as King Kong, my best movie to date. Oprah is a lonely Kong on the island of Fat. On this island, Oprah is worshipped like a God by annoying housewives who have left their husbands to have lesbian sex on the island. There's like three hours of straight lesbian sex, then the lesbians turn on Oprah and kill her. They then have three more hours of lesbian sex. After the second half of lesbian sex, they gut out Oprah's insides and build a prison for anyone who has ever attended an Oscars ceremony. Then, there's like two more hours of lesbian sex. Then, the lesbians hunt all the actors and actresses for the prison down and enslave them in Oprah's carcass. THE END.

Part Three: I will Build You a Beard

I will build you a beard. A proud beard. A beard you can stroke and say "Damn. I'm a man."

I will build you a beard. Not just an ordinary beard, but a pirate's beard; a beard of strength and knowledge.

I will build you a beard. A beard woven with care and love. A beard that you can tell your girlfriend about and she will be impressed.

I will build you a beard. A mighty, majestic beard. A beard that makes other men stroke their's and long for more.

I will build you a beard. A beard of pure stroking satisfaction. A beard that makes bees buzz to each other "Hey, look at that awesome beard."

I will build you a beard. A beard that has become self-aware. A beard that has decided that humans are no longer needed in this beard-centric universe.

I will build you a beard. A beard that goes back in time and tries to kill your mother, cuz pretty soon you're tired of this beard trying to kill humanity.

I will build you a beard. A beard that succeeds in killing your mother and now you no longer exist.

La La La.

Enjoy Manhattan.


No comments: