Wednesday, September 30, 2009

You're One Charming Tiger

A Well Groomed Tiger

That's my first thought when I think of Tony the Tiger. I'd be more impressed with how neat he is than with his talking and love of Frosted Flakes. I mean, he's perfectly clean, and he has the sense to put a bandana around his neck with his name on it.
Think of it – you don't want your kids just walking up to any old tiger and talking to it. Tony knows this. That's why he writes his name on his bandana – so that you can say to your kids "Kids, do NOT talk to tigers. Except Tony the tiger, and if you talk to him, tell him that you already ate breakfast, because Frosted Flakes are bad for you, but you don't want to hurt his feelings."
But, he talks. So what? Well, he doesn't just talk, he has a loud booming voice and reminds you of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh – only a boomier voice.
Also, he has a job.
Most tigers don't have jobs. Tony overcame the obstacles and got himself a pitch job for the most popular breakfast cereal in the country.
Most tigers just work at zoos, like losers.
I don't know how college was for you, but for me it was tough. Now, imagine you're a stupid tiger. Now imagine that you can't talk. Then imagine that the only jobs you can get are ones where you learn how to talk or the ones where you just loaf around like a loser in a zoo.
Tony didn't half ass it. He learned to speak, got a degree, and got his ass a good job.
Also, I've noticed that his stripes are perfectly spaced across his body. You look at some of these loser tigers in zoos and the outback or bush or whatever and their stripes are all over the fucking place. Mangy beasts is what they are.
So, what does Tony do? He uses his college smarts and gets his DNA to correct that situation by turning himself into a fucking cartoon.
Some cartoon characters are born cartoons. Not Tony. He was once a living, breathing tiger, but he used his gift of brains and what he learned in advanced biology and turned himself into a cartoon.
There's not even a plaque.
It's really a shitty world when folks like Bill Clinton get awards and shit and tigers like Tony get jack shit.
Here's to you – you're one charming tiger.

Militant Aliens Are Rad

It was near dawn and the first ships began landing out in front of the house. I grabbed my shotgun and walked out front to greet what only could be aliens.
I deduced they were aliens because they had spaceships way past my technical skills. You know, like I totally couldn't build one of those things. All big and stupid looking. I mean, I couldn't even come up with an idea for that…you know, big green doohickey that sticks out of the front part and looks all badass. I mean, that's like way out of my league. And I'm pretty smart. But maybe someone from Earth built it like a kid with Assburgers syndrome or something. I mean, that could be possible.
So, when I confronted the first spider-like alien I pointed my shotgun at him and dumped some toothpicks on the ground and ordered him to count them like Rainman.
The fucking thing just ate the toothpicks. Which really bothered me in a grotesque way. So I shot it.
Then the aliens got all militant on me and joined anti-human gangs. I mean, this took like a week.
Anyway, that was how my weekend went.

Sometimes I Get Sentimental

It's not uncommon for me to stroke an old toy from my childhood and think about how much fun I had playing with it. Other times, I will get weepy looking at photo albums of me and my family. There's nothing wrong with shedding a tear for the old days. It's just important to remember that you should cherish the times you have now. Like how I'm writing this. I cherish this moment as much as I do that time my dad took me fishing at the aquarium.

Some Cool Ways to Freak Out a Loved One

1. K, take all your bathroom stuff, like razors, soap, mouth wash and put it into you fridge. Then take everything out of the fridge and put it in your bathroom. Do this all in the morning before your partner wakes up. Then, get in the shower right when they are supposed to wake up and let them find you eating a hotdog while showering.

2. Turn to a loved one and say "Have I ever told you I love you?" They will get all weepy and whatnot, and probably return the gesture. Right as they do, tell the couch the same thing.

3. After making love ask your lover if they feel itchy, then start scratching yourself all over and go "I'm all itchy", then climb out the window.

4. Make some spaghetti for your loved one and hide a prize in their bowl. When they find it say "Just like cereal."

5. Take all the keys off a loved ones keyboard and change them around. Then hit them in the head with the keyboard.

I Remember You Once Had This Fish

I do. It was like an inch long and it was red. What ever happened to that fish? It was all into swimming around that fish tank you had. Man, you loved that fish. What happened to it? What?! It died? It fucking died?! NO! NO! Why didn't you tell me? It was just a fish? It wasn't just a fish, it was your fish. Dude, you fucked up. What did you feed it? It was not old. It wasn't old in 1983, why would it just get old all of a sudden? Dude, that's fucked up. I guess you don't take care of your shit. Anyway, it was a cool fish.

Good Things Don't Wait

It was in September, if I remember. The air was cool, and full of splendor. She lay on the table, covered up from me. And if that covering was cardboard, it was still the covering for me. I walked out of the room and into the day's light. If she lay now, then she will lay later, there was time for love and that time was later. The sun was in the sky and I could imagine her in my eye. And that fancy would lead to yearning and yearning to love. I let my love lay down without me, for only her was I thinking of. But when I returned from my flight of fancy, the yearning so strong in my heart, knowing that we would never part, I found her gone. The pizza box was empty.

No comments: