Friday, September 11, 2009


I Can't Afford Enough Gas to Mow My Lawn

It's true.

Well, I don't have a lawn, but if I did, I wouldn't have the five to twenty bucks it would take to run a mower around it.

Things are getting sick. There's a rumor running around that soon oil will be up to five dollars a gallon – that's 500 pennies!

Meanwhile, my CEO doesn't encourage telecommuting – like I can't surf the net at home, rather than at work.

I don't understand this shit. It seems like the Internet is what God gave us in order to make up for the oil crisis. We don't need to travel anymore. What's the big Magill?

Everyone talks about the merits of travel. "Oh, I traveled in college and I'm better for it." Or all the bastards from other countries that act like you're a retard if you haven't visited their shitty country.

Well, no more! Soon, traveling outside your own state/province/disputed zone will be like climbing a rope to Mars. No more shitty Canadians explaining how stupid and dumb Americans are for not going backpacking in India. No more obnoxious Brits asking why they know our foreign policy and we don't know theirs. No more jokes about Jessica Tandy's tits in a high Burmese temple.

That's right! Personally, I hate to fly. More than five hours without a cigarette is no way to travel. Therefore, good riddance traveling.

And good riddance office. Soon, gas will cost 20 dollars a gallon and my employer will cave and I will no longer have to show up to work to play on the internet and do British Logic Problems all day. I will now be able to do them on the comforts of my toilet at home, via my laptop.

Viva La Middle Eastern Political Crisis!

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