Thursday, September 3, 2009

No One Ever Told Me I'd Work Next to a Man on a Blue Rubber Ball

There is a man in the cubicle next to me sitting on an inflatable ball about the size of a small bear.
Growing up, I never dreamed I'd work next to a man sitting on a large rubber ball. In fact, I bet I would have thought it was really neat. Like, maybe in an office with large blue rubber balls, there'd be rainbow dispensers and gum drop fountains.
But that's not the case. The case is my coworker has some physical deformity that requires he sit perched on a large, blue rubber ball. If he doesn't sit on the large, blue rubber ball, he'll probably collapse. And that's not something a kid wants to hear.
Imagine if you told a child that Dumbo would deflate and die if his trunk fell off.
But, what remains is that I work next to a man on an inflatable life support system.
I also work with a man who has a parrot and comes to work with crusted shit dripping down the front of his suspenders. He's a Muppet enthusiast. Which, means he likes Muppets.
True story: I tried selling the first season of Saturday Night Live on a work bulletin board and this man wanted to buy it for the sole reason that the Muppets were in it.
It was the principle that drove me to deny his business.
Some additional fun facts about the man sitting on the large inflatable ball: he got busted for roaming the company giving out back rubs and likes to sleep on the sidewalk out front.
Another passenger on the fun express over here is the woman who sits next to the blue rubber ball boy that enjoys eating Yoplait in front of the building while staring at traffic.
If I were to direct a music video it would just be a shot of her eating her yogurt with blue rubber ball boy cut in bouncing on his blue rubber ball or sleeping on the sidewalk. Like those early Beatles videos.
Yogurt woman once stormed the podium of a divisional meeting and demanded that we work harder to meet our goals.
No one applauded.
Down the hall there is a morbidly obese gentleman that enjoys putting conservative cartoons up on his wallpaper. I think people finally got annoyed when he had the one where the President was being hung in effigy.
He never got busted.
I, on the other hand, was talked to for wearing a Corona shirt to work.
I'm pretty sure the man who cashiers at the cafeteria hates me. Last winter I wanted an Americano and he had closed up shop, so he just told me to pay him on the following Monday. I did, but he wasn't there. It was some lady. So, I think he thinks I never paid him.
This has been going on for almost a year.
There's a man across the way who started at the company and after his first big project invited everyone to a barbeque at his house.
No one showed.
Then he got diagnosed with brain cancer.
Lately, he's been losing weight using the Wii.
The point is, not everyone fits in and sometimes God punishes you for your lack of conformity.
Yesterday I sucked the remaining helium out of a dinosaur balloon that I got for my birthday. I started seeing stars and almost passed out. Then I proceeded to volley an inflatable ball at a coworker while he was on the phone.
When I was in Junior High they told me I would never be ready for the real world, but I'm pretty sure they didn't realize what they meant.

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