Saturday, September 26, 2009

Shiver Me Tenders

Bird Flu Fever

Bird flu is hype. Pure bullshit. There's no need to panic and start selling your United stock. Or, so says United. In a press release dated August 31st, 1987, United warned that if you sell their stock "you will get AIDS".

It's true.

Really now. Mad cow and bird flu are the most over-hyped catastrophes since Y2K.

Infecting 174 and killing only 94, bird flu is on par with the July 1st flood that killed 94 in India last summer.

Shouldn't we be more worried about floods? Bird flu has been around for, maybe, five years. The floods have been around since Romans wrote the bible.

Yes, that was a finger to the bible. Did you enjoy it? I'm clever. C – L – E- V – E – R.

Last week, a flood from a dam killed 8 in Hawaii.

The 2004 tsunami killed anywhere from 3000 to 200, 000 depending on where you look.

So, my point here is not really to downplay the bird flu that will kill each and every one of us by April. No, my point here is that floods aren't getting the coverage they deserve.

Do you live next to a pond, aquifer, lake, sea, or ocean? Well, your chances of living long enough to see Die Another Day again are slim.

Like suicide bombers, floods don't care who they kill. Like what George W. says about the terrorists, "they hate us for our freedom."

I mean, c'mon now. Did you really think the water was just going to sit idly by and watch you drink it, swim in it, boat on it?

No, the floods have had enough of your beach towels and BBQs; your jet skis and water wings. The floods hate your freedom and they hate your friend's freedom, and their friend's freedom. In fact, if you were living in a non-free country and then you went to a free country (like Iraq), you would still be killed by floods.

That's how much these floods hate your freedom. They will hunt you down and kill you. Look it up. Google "Floods hate your freedom."

But, back to bird flu, or the beaked killer as I like to call it. Bird flu has killed 94 in five years. How many have you killed? I guess you think you're pretty tough, buying stock in airlines and eating ice cream cones and pretending that bird flu doesn't kill every living thing down to the smallest bacterium!? You try to kill 94 people in five years. Yeah, I'd like to see that! Ha!

And while you're killing 94 people to prove that bird flu is a pussy pandemic, think about this: Mad cow will have killed (est.) 150 in its ten years in the media. Think of that. That's like…150 people dying of mad cow disease. But, back in 1996, British researchers were predicting 150,000.

What does that tell us about bird flu? It tells us that it will kill us all, but it will be sneaky. It will pretend to only kill 150, but then when you least expect it: WHAMO!

And with all the floods, and the mad cow, and the bird flu, and you running around trying to kill 94 to show bird flu up – all rolled up into one they might kill more people than George W. Bush's war on terror/Iraq/beaver fever.

Think about it.

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