Monday, September 14, 2009

Tool Leak

Tool Leak and Other Bursts of Wanton Theft and Violence

Yes. Yes, I did.

Pretty good album so far. Lost Keys and the unfortunately titled Rosetta Stoned are the stand outs. It's not as good as Lateralus or Aenima (spl?), but better than Opiate and Undertow.

The theft occurred last night. It took an hour and a half to download – I perused porn in the interim. I'm sorry, but what's New York looking like?

Well, not anymore.

Last night, at 4.19 in the morning, black caped Comcast representatives broke in to my apartment and held me down while they beat me over the back with my laptop.


This was the only thing we really expected. Shortly after, Maynard from Tool hopped through the hole in the wall the Comcast guys came through and beat me over the head with a mic stand.



So, 5 years of Nazi doctrine have ended with the resignation of Scott McKellen. Yes, brothers and sisters, Scott is gone and now peace and freedom ring across the land!

A case of Bubonic plague showed up in LA. Apparently fleas spread it. 900 American Minutemen have been dispatched across the country to exterminate every filthy dog in this beautiful country.

The new Tool album leaked.

Scientists have cloned the first Pez dispenser. It was Porky Pig.

Julia Roberts is now a verb.

More theft: I'm stealing Internet.

78 million species of alien adventurers are living among us. They are all from Delaware.


It was scary and I had to swear never to steal Internet again.

Painted a bird. Shuttled to the nearest Wendy's and ordered the Beef Wellington. It didn't taste good today. I gathered my tent and rucksack and climbed down the roof and walked out into the driving rain. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't take drugs from Lyle Alzado's dead body and it's just another day of sticking to that promise. Like so many others, before it, I won't keep this one either. And, before I knew it, I was digging up a grave and looking for horse tranquilizers. After the subsequent arrest, I met up with an email spammer who promised me riches and soul gifts for ten minutes of my time. I gave him 15 minutes and he gave me the power of speech. I had been a deaf mute since I was six, but now – there's so much to say. I started with "Fuck off, Jim."

Tom Cruise gave birth to Natalie Portman. The town was left desolated by the pod people from the night before. Extracted from the carbon residue left on triplicate W2 forms, the pod people grew to be a mighty race. They demanded riches and rights for their sufferings on our paper. They claimed that deep down we knew that they suffered the slavery of copying our tax returns for over 50 years. They were right. We tried to pay them in pen strokes and they exclaimed in unison (how else does triplicate paper come alive exclaim?) "The hell with you!" And with a mighty wave of the hand they set the town ablaze.

Your hair is on fire. Look for yourself.

"THE NUMBERS! WHERE ARE THE NUMBERS! Numbers, sir? THE FUCKING NUMBERS! HOW ARE WE GOING TO RECORD STATS FOR THIS QUARTER WITHOUT THOSE NUMBERS! I'm sorry, sir, but we flip burgers and make milkshakes. NUMBERS, MAN! NUMBERS! I'm sorry, but the soda machine only goes up to ten. WELL THEN FIX IT, THEN! Fix the soda machine or make it talk? We've been making milkshakes and fries and outlines in chalk. Woke up this morning. OUTLINES IN CHALK? DEAD BODIES ABOUND, I GUESS? You bet they did. I'll bet you wet the bed. I'M SURE YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR FLIGHT! NUMBERS!


I'm calling for Rosie. Rosie who? Rosie Redhanded. Rosie Redhanded doesn't live here. Where does she live, then? How do I know? I must have the wrong phone. Let me try calling you back on this other one. No, but that won't work. Why not? No matter what phone you call us on, Rosie won't be here. The fires lit the night sky and I stole off to find water for my horse. OK. OK. OK. Hang on. Hang on. I'm calling back.


But left me alive in the ruin, with my horse and my things; my television, grapefruits, shotgun, and good ideas for germination of my seed. He's come down the escalators! He's here to save us. The airport is still on fire and there are bodies everywhere. Flaming vending machines and escalators full of super heroes. Batman just removed nine bodies from the lavatory and Superman is defusing still more bombs. It's been a long day. Someone summoned the combined powers of the Bush administration and they're on the case. There's a good chance we'll get out of this unharmed. But, still…who could have done this? Sir, we believe the Coca Cola corporation had a hand in it. Really? Yes. Is this true? Sir, we believe up to 19 corporations took part in this joint effort to take America down. First this airport, then that building, there has been nine statues of Buzz Aldren blown to smithereens. In broad daylight? Yes. Microsoft agents have just set fire to Bull from Night Court's home and are threatening the estate of Doris Day. It's pretty bad. You said it. Yes, yes I did. Is this the end of America? It may just be. Sir, sir! Close to a million bacon cheeseburgers have begun to fall in the Washington D.C. area. Are you joking? No, sir. There's a chance that something else is at foot here. Not corporations, but God or something almost as big as corporations. You mean Jimmy Smits? Maybe. It's anyone's guess. The President is speaking in tongues and Israel has just invaded Australia with a large pack of wolves the size of donkeys. Donkeys get to be that big? Sure, they do. I'd guess the average donkey is five feet. Really, impressive. Not this phone or that, there's no phone that will get you Rosie and that's the fact. Sure it is. New York is now a large Revlon mirror. Are you kidding? Sir, in a situation like this, I don’t think jokes work anymore. I think everything has just become way too ridiculous. Another meteor has hit Yellowstone in the exact same spot the last one did. The moon has fell into the ocean and the four horsemen have shown up and they're gay. This has confused the entire nation of Baptists and they are expecting some sort of answer from the President, and if not the President, then God. Jackie Chan has grown to the size of Mercury and he is threatening the other planets with total annihilation. Green Lantern! Call the NSA! Someone is going to let out the fact that nine out of ten of us are high school dropouts! This won't look good. Call Karl Rove! We need some spin on this! Really, a turtle? He's become a turtle? Oh, a super turtle. And what is his super power? He can see through Jelly Bellys? That's astonishing. If I had just two men like him, I could probably get rid of all these bacon cheeseburgers. Good God! This is a great day to be an American. Do you hear me, Christ!? This is a good day for bacon cheeseburgers! God, I wish I could slather mustard on your feet, my great Messiah! Amen.

And the world blinked out.

Most of the humans responded by shrugging.

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