Wednesday, September 9, 2009

No Idea

Levi's Life Lessons

Meager refinements, such as Hotpockets and Michelob, just don't sate me. I'm more of a velvet and gold man. That's why I decided to purchase a fine bedspread of velvet and gold.

It came to me the other night. I was watching an infomercial and relishing a hotdog from 7-11, in bed, when I realized my bedding left something to be desired.

Nay, I left something to be desired.

I decided that I should overcome this slump of cheap nylon bedding and put a few bucks into some velvet and gold bedding.

The next day, after a hearty breakfast of Keebler cookies and a donut, I took the Chevy Luv down to the bed jobber and demanded some gold and velvet bedding.

Unfortunately, the bedding they procured only came in prices of over 50 dollars. I was astounded that such a fate could befall me and demanded that the salesman lower his prices at once!

Of course, he didn't and I was forced out of the store.

So, let this be a lesson to you – you may think you deserve velvet and gold, but you sure as hell can't afford it.

This has been a Levi Life Lesson

Many of you meet extraordinary woman in your life, and many of you bed these extraordinary women. But, it takes an extraordinary-extraordinary woman to look past many of our faults.

Like my newest conquest – Jezebel.

I met her at the Lucky Mart. We were both shopping for discounted meat when our eyes met. She was holding a pork roast and her four-year old daughter. Her nine other children were crammed like sardines into the shopping cart and she was 8 months pregnant.

I'm very selective when it comes to women.

Later that year, after the baby and when she finally got a sitter, I was able to bed her.

After going down for a little "hairy, how are ya?" I realized that this woman needed a douche!

That's when my love failed. I made the realization out loud and I was escorted out of the trailer into the driving rain.

This has been a Levi Life Lesson

It's important to maintain a healthy diet. This is ever more important the older we become.

That's a proven fact. Ask any doctor – Doc, does eating better become more important as you get older?

He'll invariably answer "Why, yes, Tommy." He will always call you Tommy and he will always be a he.

Just face it.

This has been a Levi Life Lesson

"Germination" is an excellent word to start this column. I enjoy writing, immensely. That's why I always try to use a new word when I can. Like the other day when I used the word "Highlander." I explained that "Highlander" is a word used by the Irish to track down Sean Connery's whereabouts at any given time.

Many of you wrote in to let me know that this was false and I retracted the column and wrote this one.

That's a lot like the word "germination."

Think about it.

This has been a Levi Life Lesson

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