Saturday, September 5, 2009

Movie Review

Movie Reviews

V for Vendetta

I must preface this review by saying that I went to the best theater in Washington: The Big Picture. It's a theater with style…and booze.

That's right, you can order (cue Pulp Fiction) a glass of beer or a cocktail while you watch the second run movie. The last time I had this much fun I was watching Nat X. The place was really swanky too. I was almost thrown out nine times. If you live in the Seattle area, it's below El Gaucho's.

On to the movie:

This movie was awesome. I would say one of 2005's best. But, remember, I was drunk.

Complete with everything I, the moviegoer, want: plot twists, Bush bashing, hot chix, Bush bashing, things being blown up, Bush bashing, people being killed with both knives and guns, Bush bashing, references to obscure English vigilantes, Bush bashing, lesbians, Bush bashing, did I mention things being blown up?

If this movie were a pro athlete, it would be Deon Sanders – because it's versatile. No, that's a bad analogy or metaphor. No, this movie was more like Mary Lou Renton in that it was short and full of spunk. Nah, it's more like Shaq, because this movie is now a U.S. Martial.

Here's the plot:

So, England is fascist.

But, in this movie it's still fascist. Because of the war on Iraq and George Bush everyone is under the power of the guy from 1984 and corporate/religious right bad guys. See, George Bush made England and Portugal fascist and all these Lebanese guys firebombed Disney headquarters. So, that's pretty much what I think happened.

OK, I was 15 minutes late to the movie because I was pre-funking rum at Cyclops. But, that's pretty much the story.

So, England is fascist and V, this guy in this Guy Fawkes mask (English "terrorist" of 1600's), starts blowing shit up.

The movie opens (well, when I walked in) with some building being blown up. I'm not sure which one, but I could totally tell it was important to the fascists.

Next, V does a number on the media by blowing their shit up and cutting people with his kick-ass sabers.

Next, he takes Natalie Portman to his lair, where we hope he'll have the wisdom and courage to pork her. He does not. This is probably the shittiest part about the movie.

So, he makes her some toast, and all the while he's probably thinking of violating her 17th century style, but he just talks to her and shit.

Then, he decides to pull this caper on this Bishop, where Portman dresses up like a schoolgirl to set the Bishop up. Right when you think Portman is going to lift up her skirt and show you the Naboo, V comes in and ruins it by killing the Bishop. Don't get me wrong: I love seeing religious leaders vomit to death, but they could have presented Portman in a more porkable way.

So, Portman escapes and shacks up with this gay producer (no, it's not David Geffen). We learn that the producer is also against the Bushalikes and even has a poster of the Coalition of the Willing in his basement with a swastika in the middle.

Well, gay guy does a Benny Hill routine on the Grand Chancellor and they cart his ass away.

Portman tries to escape, but her sexibility doesn't carry over into walking on grass and she's taken by Britain's answer to Homeland Security.

In bondage (it's not sexy, her head is shaved and she looks like a Holocaust victim) she learns that there's this hot lesbian that's sleeping in the cell next to her. The hot lesbian recounts, via notes, her expulsion from society because of her taste for carpet.

At this point I figured V would turn out to be the hot lesbian and there would be a hot lesbian payoff at the end. No dice. But, I was right that all along Portman was being jailed by V to teach her how to be a hot lesbian. K, it wasn't to teach her how to be a hot lesbian, it was really to teach her to be free and destructive like V…or Matt Eckert.

Anyway, at this point I realize I am V. See, I've always wanted to capture hot lesbians and screw with their minds. I think it goes back to the time I was 5 and a hot lesbian captured me and taught me how to write mind-numbing ennui on the topic of films.

Moving right along…

So, V has turned Portman into a vigilante just in time for…

Oh, wait, I forgot the part at the beginning of the movie when V promised to blow up Parliament on November 5th of the following year.

That happened.

So, now it's almost November 5th and he's got Portman all cued up to blow up Parliament, and she does.

Oh, also, V kills the Grand Chancellor and his minions in this bloody sword thing where V is impenetrable to bullets.

Oh, and V dies.

So, the moral of the story is that V is a good movie that teases you with hot lesbians.

Smoke Signals

First off, I didn't rent this movie.

Second off, I in no way hold this movie against the person who rented it for taking an hour and half out of my life for dipshitery.

Last off, this movie really, really blew.

It's one of those white people suck movies, which I normally like, because I, as you know, am not white. No, I am of the Martian persuasion (see other posts) and because of this I can take part in hating white people too.

So, the movie is about these Indians that hate white people and they get this spaceship from these Vulcans and blow up Earth and are later stabbed in the back by the Vulcans who don't tell the Indians how to operate the spacecraft outside of Earth's orbit. Then, all the Indians slowly die of malnutrition, because there's hardly any Jack in the Box left from the cargo holds they packed it in before they left.

No, that really didn't happen. Here's what happened:

So, there's this family of Indians (or Indian Americans) and they are all drunks. The movie starts out with their home being burned to the ground on the Fourth of July. This is symbolic of the time that a bunch of white people burned a 7-11 in Anchorage, Alaska down on the Fourth of July of 1987.

Anyway, so, the house is burning and the parents die, but have enough spirit to throw their baby out the window so that this one drunk can catch it.

This really happened in this movie.

Anyway, so the baby grows up to be some dude, and the guy who saves him's son grows up with him. But, the guy who saves him is a bad drunk and he beats his wife and his son and drinks shitty beer and drives a pickup like white trash.

That should have been the end of the movie. Really, I would have thought that was badass: this hero Indian gets drunk and beats his wife and children. That would have been my favorite movie ever.

Anyway, so the drunk guy who saved the one dude croaks and his son and the one dude have to drive down to Arizona to rip him off.

Well, the baby who was saved and grew up is this obnoxious piece of shit that talks like some Indian fortuneteller from Dances with Wolves (in fact, this is mentioned, forrealz). He won't stop reminding the drunk dude's son that his dad left him. Also, he tells these UBER STUPID stories about bullshit. All the while, we're supposed to laugh along with him and come to love this character. But, you don't. You hate him so bad you refuse to remember his name. You even refuse to remember any of the other character's names because you're so pissed off about how annoying this son of a bitch is.

So, they pick up his dad's ashes and truck and run into a typical asshole white person, who is, of course, an asshole because he's white and they almost get arrested by more white assholes, but don't.

Then, they go home and OH, somewhere in there is the best part:

You find out that the drunk dad is the guy who started the fire that he saved the kid from. It's the most awesome scene. I liked it so much I got a portion of the screenplay to show you:

EXT: Nighttime. Drunk Dad is stumbling around with a beer in his hand. He is obviously drunk, as he peers into the window of annoying dude's parent's house. He has some fireworks with him.

DRUNK DAD: WHOOOOOOO!!!! YEAH! Let's party! Come out! Come on! I got some fireworks! C'mon, let's light off some fireworks!!! WHOOOOO!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!

DRUNK DAD then lights a Roman Candle, and aims it up. Because of his shear drunkenness, DRUNK DAD aims incorrectly and fires the Roman Candle into the house, setting it on fire.

INT: White room, well lit. There is nothing in this room but white walls surrounding Matt Eckert.

MATT ECKERT: This is the funniest part in the movie. When DRUNK DAD stumbles around like Chris Farley trying to get ANNOYING DUDE'S parents to party with him and then fatally sets the house on fire with what I like to call comic gold: fireworks. This scene rocked the house.

So, that's pretty much that movie. I would say it's worth seeing on cable if you could fast forward to the part when Drunk Dad is saving the baby, then fast forward to how he burned the house down trying to get people to light fire works with him and get drunker – then it might be worth it.

In parting, I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. It's very important to remember all those who have fought for our country. I would appreciate a moment of silence for some of our bravest officers:

Captain Crunch

Captain Kirk

Captain Braveheart

Captain Beefheart

Captain Kangaroo

And, of course, the legendary Rear Admiral Wedgie

Thank you.

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