Giant Solar System Guitar Will Bring Rock to Space

I Want to Get Serious Here

Most of life is just a bunch of stuff that happens and your reaction to it.
Take for instance today. I woke up and said "Fucking shit!"
But is there more? Is there something that we are missing? Something deeper?
Remember in Abyss when they just kept going deeper into the ocean?
"Dude, we're hella deep now. I mean leagues."
"Still no aliens."
And then finally they found aliens at the bottom and they were like WTF?!
Then they submerged and could go out and tell people "Hey, aliens, dude."
And see, that's what I'm talking about.
But not aliens, like something even deeper.
I bet if they went even deeper they would have found werewolves.
And then vampires and so on.
Until finally, they would find themselves.
See, that's deep.
But I bet even deeper they'd find talking trees and think to themselves "Wow, I thought I was deep, but talking trees are even deeper."
And that would probably make them feel bad. Especially, even deeper when they find dudes made out of Cocoa Krispies and gum drops.
God, it's amazing how deep I am.

Exo Planet

Lately, astronomers have been finding lots and lots of planets outside of our solar system.
If you don't believe me, you can look it up, dickface.
God, I'm sorry. I just get worked up over exo planets. I mean, look at me, excited about meeting intelligent life on other planets and this is how I treat it on my own planet.
I'm sorry, dickface.

Dark Matter

Physicists are still puzzled about the Universe. It seems there's large portions where something SHOULD be and there's not. They call this dark matter.
Others call it God.
See, God is still making his mind up about it. He's like well, there's planets, stars, nebulae, and so on…what the hell could I put here?
But that's silly.
What's really going on is there's a large piece of licorice stuck in the gears of the universe and it's black licorice. You can't see that in space. All you can see is the absence of stars.
But man, if that's true, that sucks. I hate black licorice.
God, dark matter is baffling.

The Planet Titan

Here's something you might not know – the planet Titan has seas of methane.
Some propose we sail them. I'm not sure why.
But I would wager it has something to do with selling boats.

Sun Spots

Recently, our sun has taken a big nap.
That's right, normally the sun is covered in explosions call sun spots.
Some say that they could be responsible for global warming. And now, the sun spots have had there biggest decline in years. So, maybe it's gonna be colder for a few years.
This makes sense to me, because when there were an assload of sun spots back in the nineties we never got any snow in the lowlands and I'd be forced to go to school or work everyday in the winter.
But last winter it snowed hardcore and it was awesome. But I lived close to work, so I couldn't say I couldn't make it in and skip.
So, the sun spot effect got away from me. But now, with this new sun spot knowledge I'm going to move to a big hill somewhere and call in when it snows and say "Yep, it's them sun spots again. Or, rather, the lack of them."
My boss will have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'll wink really loud.

I Don't Think There's Anything Wrong With Rock n Roll in Space

I don't. That's why I think we should be prepared to start making some rock n roll for space.
Some would say that Pink Floyd was space music, or any of that genre of progressive rock. But I think space rocks a little harder.
Which makes me wonder – how could we make the rock n roll harder?
I bet we'd need some huge guitars. With assloads of necks on the same guitars. Like a guitar that's base is on Jupiter and the end of the neck is Neptune.
Then all the people on Neptune'd be like what's up with them giant strings?
And we'd tell em' "We're just trying to rock!"
And they'd say "Far out!"

The Moon Should Be Conquered

OK, I know we went to the moon and put a flag there, but did we conquer it?
Hardly. We hardly visited any of it, and now the French and Chinese and stuff are sending satellites up there.
And we do nothing.
It's not right. We need to really make our mark.
That's why I suggest we send some boss flags up there. In fact, I think we should make a giant sweatband with an American flag on it and tie the thing around the moon.
Do you have any idea how patriotic that would be? Everyone on the planet would look up at night and see that headband and think "America kicks ass." All the terrorists would surrender.
In fact, all the Islamic terrorists would HAVE TO surrender because they'd have to put a quarter American sweatband on their crescent moon gear.
"It's a half moon tonight, honey."
"No, it's a full stripe moon!" Then I turn on our solar system guitar and everyone can tell my imaginary wife is impressed.