Thursday, October 8, 2009

Band Aid

Don't Cover Your Mouth

I'm being told by THE MEDIA that you should never cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough – at least with your hand. Apparently, you are supposed to use the inside of your elbow. This is because the only time the inside of your elbow ever comes in contact with anyone else is when you are square dancing. So, if you plan on square dancing, you might want to just muzzle yourself or wear a burka. Personally, I feel if you square dance you have it coming, but who am I to play God?

Ape Wrangling

We are looking for a young couple to live on our farm and wrangle apes. We have nine gorillas and three chimpanzees. They are very wrangle weary, so your work is cut out for you. The gorillas can be extremely strong, so it would be best if you are a gay male couple. But we just ask that you be married – we don't like our ape wranglers to live in sin and we only have one extra bed. I suppose you could be just friends that don't mind sleeping in the same bed. But the important thing is that you have a love of wrangling apes.

Can You Believe We're Bombing the Moon?

What's odd is that we once were going to nuke the moon, and everyone freaked. Now that we're just bombing it, it's OK. Oh, and no one gave a shit until about a week ago, even though this has been planned for a year at least.
I think there should have been a vote. We are getting way stupid with all this bombing. Bomb Iraq, bomb Afghanistan, bomb Iran – bomb the moon? Where's Code Pink?
I don’t want my son or daughter being sent to the moon to fight. Who knows what the moon is up to. Sure, my son or daughter would pretty much just be body lice to the moon, but if the moon scratches real hard, they are gonna get taken out.
Or, what if the craters are just big hungry mouths? We bomb the moon, then it gets pissed and it comes and starts taking bites out of the Earth?
Way to go, warmongers!

Vanpool – Somalia

Hey all! We recently lost another rider and are looking for someone for the Huntville – Somalia vanpool. We meet in Ethiopia at 8 AM and leave corporate the next day at midnight.

Leon the Snail

I guess my favorite children's story is about Leon the snail.
Leon the snail was a snail. But that's not the end of the story.
Leon was a snail that ran a small business. His business was selling shells to other snails.
You see, this was way in the future and snails had acquired money and taste and so they didn't just "live with" their given shells. No, they would buy spectacular shells made from gold, tortoise shell, and ivory.
Well, one day the king snail came into Leon's shop and demanded the finest shell ever made.
Leon explained that he didn't make the shells, he only sold them. He told the king he would have to go online to personally figure out which shell was really the best, the question being subjective.
This confused the king and the king demanded Leon's shell. "Surely, the shopkeeper of a shell shop would have the finest shell around."
Leon then explained that he had only the shell God had given him and never wanted anything more.
"A God shell!" The king exclaimed.
"No, it's just my shell. My name is Leon."
"So you are God?" The king bowed to Leon.
That's when Leon said "Yes, I am God."
The King believed Leon's lie and gave his crown to Leon. Leon then ruled the kingdom.
So, that's how Peter got his job at the snail shell shop.

Band Aid

Remember Band Aid? It was all these English rock stars that got together and sung about poor people in order to raise money so the poor people wouldn't starve to death? Remember?
Why don't we do the same thing with Health Care? We get a bunch of rock stars, like Tony Orlando and Britney Spears, and we sing to raise money to pay people's medical bills. You could call it AIDS, because it would be a bunch of different singers and performers and not necessarily one single band. AIDS performers would sing on their own and make their own albums that they would release and the money would go to their favorite sick person.
THEN, we could all gamble on who sells the most albums and who survives and stuff. Then we might donate that money to a sick person. Or we might just go get some waffles and think about how we're gonna spend our AIDS money. Either way….

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