Sunday, October 11, 2009

Straight R and B

The Ringer: The Worst Movie of the New Year

That's not really fair, is it? I mean, it's the only new movie I've seen this year.

But, the Ringer was so godawful that I can project it will nicely edge out Big Momma 2 and Scary Movie 4.

Yes, this was so bad that Martin Lawrence will seem like a comic genius in the wake of the Ringer.

Let's take a look at the film. Here's a clip:

Dah dah ding I'm the guy from Jackass and here's a bunch of retarded people. Dah doo dee I fall down a bunch and this make movie funny.

That was pretty much the best part of the movie.

To it's credit, it got shit moving quick. Most of these shitty Adam Sandler/David Spade/Rob Shneider pieces of shit take a good ten minutes before you know exactly every plot point in the crest of sewage that makes up the outline.

But, this cut to the chase. Within two minutes you knew that:

Jackass has to raise money to save a janitor's fingers.

Jackass will get talked into pretending to be petarded by his uncle.

Jackass will fall in love with only non-petarded chick in the movie.

Jackass will learn to respect the petards in the movie.

Jackass will admit that he wasn't petarded, but gain the trust and respect of those who grow to love him.

The End.

All that in two minutes.

The movie begins with some chatty comedy between Jackass and the janitor. This was very confusing. The jokes were so stupid, and so on par with jokes my cube mates would make that I began to wonder if the movie was a joke about shitty comedies.

But, I decided not to walk out, because everyone knows that petards are about the funniest thing on Earth and that no matter how horrible it is, you'll get a laugh.

Not to be.

No, the petards weren't even funny. In fact, they were funny like petards trying to be funny are funny: not funny.

I like my petards to be shot out of canons while trying to do algebra. This was not to be. It was the kind of funny your three year old might get out of watching Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Chevy Chase, or any other has been that blew their load in the eighties and have since been forgotten.

You can call them Robinwilliamesque.

Well, anyway, just thinking about this movie makes me mad.

But, running under two hours it's probably better than Munich, Narnia, and King Kong in the way that I don't lose a statistical amount of life watching it.

Look, just agree with me: Worst Movie of 06.

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