Monday, October 12, 2009

If You Want It

Chuck Norris is not a Joke

It has come to my attention that many of you are sending me links and emails about Chuck Norris and all the great things he can do (i.e.; Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried).

Well, jokes over gang: Chuck Norris committed suicide last night around eightish.

That's right. Suicide.

I guess your little emails about bench-pressing all fifty states aren't quite as funny anymore, huh?

"Chuck Norris was found dead yesterday in his Santa Monica home. Police officials believe it to be a suicide, but are still investigating. Mr. Norris is survived by his wife Claudia and son…"

You guessed it: Me.

I never mentioned it; I'm no glory whore.

Yes, I am Chuck Norris' son and my father is dead because you people treated him like a joke.

The man who brought ancient Chinese secrets to the West and defended Texas from the Trojan army is now lying in a morgue with a laundry cord around his neck.

Why? Well, it's no secret that my father had an extreme drinking problem. And, when I say extreme I mean it in the most extreme sense.

My father liked the sauce.

But, he liked other things too – like autoerotic asphyxiation.

So, maybe my father didn't die a depressing Hollywood death. Maybe, it was a wacky sex thing. They did find him with an extremely engorged hard on.

Look, let me level with you: peanuts are tubers.

But, why stop there? Chuck Norris isn't dead. And, no, I am not his son. But, don't you feel like you maybe learned something? Haven't we all had a dead action star in our lives, die of some weird sex game or suicide? I mean, isn't that what life is all about?

You heard it here first: Life is all about dead action stars with engorged boners that may or may not have died from suicide or some sex game.

Man, I'm so glad to have that all off my chest.

But, in the spirit of stupid lists, here is one about the Iron Chef Takeshi Kaga.

10. Takeshi cooks with utensils made out of Julia Child's bones.

9. Takeshi once ate Israel and then shat it out in Lebanon.

8. Takeshi insists that the most disgusting food he has consumed is a ham and cheese Hotpocket (this was explained while he was devouring an ant infested rat carcass).

7. Takeshi once had Bob Newhart, Bob Denver, John Larrequette and Steve Allen over for a private Iron Chef where the mystery ingredient was Dom Deluise.

6. Takeshi mistook his late wife for sole and baked her before he went down on her.

5. Takeshi dreams in flavors.

4. Takeshi once devoured Flavor Flav and remarked "Not…not so flavorful."

3. Takeshi can align atoms, using up quarks to create flavors from different dimensions.

2. Takeshi once stole a train and threw his mother off it. Oh, my bad. I always get Takeshi and that movie "Throw Momma from a Train" mixed up.

1. Takeshi once stir-fried an entire jungle using only his hatred of Eskimos.

So, there you go. If you're the type that's into lists for laughs. I hope you enjoyed it. But, just remember: Takeshi, too, could die of autoerotic asphyxiation in my imagination and then where would you be?

On another topic, I would like to talk a little bit about my absence from cyberville.

You see, I have just learned that my father, Chuck Norris, has died of…

Oh, we already did that.

Moving right along.

I have constructed a little story about robots and stuff and I would like you all to read it and let me know what you think. I'm thinking of entering it into a local fiction contest and your generous help and encouragement might…um….help?

Anyway, here we go. Tell me what you think.

The Robots from Beyond the Planet X

It was a dark afternoon and I had just finished drinking my Brandy when I looked across the veranda and noticed a shape.

It was unlike any shape I had ever seen. It was angular, yet round. It was both there and not there. It was the color of a grey sky, and at the same time, the color of a red sky.

I lifted myself out of the beanbag chair that I keep on my deck and hurried over to the object.

To my surprise, I was at once lifted above the deck and began plummeting upward toward the sky.

My senses were stunned as I realized I was being taken by an alien race of beings from the Planet X. I made this assumption as it has happened so many times that I'm literally bored of it.

Every time I go out on the veranda (OK, it's really the hood of my Ford Taurus), I get abducted by the robots from the planet X. Oh, plus I'm usually meth'd out of my mind.

So, anyway, I end up on Planet X and I meet Chuck Norris and he chokes himself to death in front of me…EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!

It's happened like 150 times now. I'm so tired of being abducted by robots from Planet X.

Chapter Two

It was late in the evening and I was on Planet X. Chuck Norris was dead and I had a vague idea that I was really drunk on wine and sitting in my Ford Taurus.

OK, it's not really my Ford Taurus. In fact, I stole it to buy more meth. Oh, plus, this one time I burned a church down to get an erection.

OK, so where were we? Oh, yeah! On the Planet X!

So, back in the Ford Taurus I was trying to find these wintergreen Lifesavers that I had lost a few days before when I realized that this cop was tapping on the window of the car and so I started screaming like a banshee and beating my chest. Pretty soon, the cop had shot me with one of those beanbag rounds right in the kisser.

To make a long story short, I have no teeth anymore.

Oh, and I totally escaped from Planet X because my fear of dying overwhelmed them and they, in turn, died.


So, I hope you enjoyed my story and maybe you could shoot me a pointer or two on the prose and such (I know, I'm terrible at dialogue).

Which reminds me, I'm looking for some zebras for this other project I'm working on. So, if you have any zebras handy, drop me a line. I cannot promise I will return them in mint condition.

I will try to write more often as I broke both legs in a tightrope walking accident. Curiously enough, the tightrope was still on the ground at the time.


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