Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Facebook Musings

Some Musings I'd Otherwise Post on Facebook

I Enjoy the Sun

One thing about life that you can never get rid of is the sun. This is good, because you need the sun to survive. Like, if the sun went out for a day or two you'd die. Back in the olden days, people used to worship the sun. This is a sound idea, but if you look up at the sun, your eyes burn. So, it's like an angry God that burns you for looking at him. That's why Moses ended up with a burning bush. See, the sun was like: OK, OK. Tell you what, I'm actually a dude. So, you know, you can look at me now. Then Moses goes and looks at him and the Sun is like: Ha, ha, now I'm a flaming bush – jokes on you! So, you can see how the Sun is funny.

A Number of People Have Asked Me

A number of people have asked me about who my long distance carrier is. It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm an expert at having long distance. Same with car insurance. "Who is your carrier?" I go "State Farm." And then I hang up the phone and call my Mom and go "Mom, another person called me to see what kind of insurance I have. I must have the best insurance ever!"

How Does Fall Find You?

As you might have noticed, the leaves are changing colors and falling off trees. Isn't that amazing? One day you wake up and there's all these green leaves and then the next….after a bunch of days they are all yellow and red and falling off trees. Then you go Trick or Treating, or if you're an adult you get wasted one day in a Vampire costume and wake up with a hooker. Then it's Thanksgiving time.

Led Zeppelin Told Me Something Last Night

It's true. I was listening to Stairway to Heaven backwards and this really twitty English voice told me to drink some tea and boil some food. I was like "No way, dude." But then the more I listened to the song backwards, the more I wanted some tea and potatoes. So, I went downstairs and made some tea and potatoes. After eating, I played the record backwards again and it was like "How was the tea and potatoes?" And I was like "They were really good, thank you for the suggestion." The record then said "It's quite alright, you looked parched. Now get some sleep." And I was like "OK, dude."
Thanks, Led Zeppelin

I Wrote a Rap Song

Hey, I'm Matt
Biology is rad
You know how bad
Biology is?
It's radder and badder than

OK, Mr. Science Master

So, the other day I was smoking and this guy comes up to me and says "You know, you should be smoking 200 feet from the entrance."
I was like "Entrance of what?"
He goes "The building."
I told him I was. I was three stories up and in the bathroom – no where near the entrance to the Children's Hospital I was in.
"You know, that smoke kills and you're in a hospital, have some respect."
I said "OK, Mr. Science Master, if smoking kills and I'm smoking, I guess I'd have to be dead."
That's when he punched me.
So, the moral of the story is that smoking does not kill, but it hurts like a son of a bitch.

When I Was 17

When I was 17, it was not a fine year. It's the year that I found out Frank Sinatra was dead.

Crockpot of Love

I'm not sure what a crockpot is, but apparently, it's two words.

Well, Look What We Have Here

I love this phrase. I used it the other day when I caught my wife cheating on me. All three of us started laughing. Later, after breakfast, I said it again when the guy who had just slept with my wife pointed at the dishes and told me to do them. Then, later, when my wife showed me the door. Then, when a mugger showed me a knife before stabbing me. Then, with the doctor bill. And then later when I saw what kind of apartment I could now afford with alimony and ER bills.
Well, look what we have here.
It just says it all so well.

Porky Pig is Offensive

K, so most religions say don't eat pork. So, think about it, Porky Pig is probably the only sentient piece of pork. OK, there's Miss Piggy, but Porky Pig is the first talking pork product. So, what's Porky Pig like? He's very innocent and sometimes gets pissed off. So, Porky Pig

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