Sunday, October 4, 2009


The Island of Product Placement

I don't want to get all Andy Rooney on you, but DAMN – what the fuck?

I watched the Island last night, and I wasn't expecting much. I never expect anything out of a movie when the main character says some hackneyed catch phrase like "I gotta get me one of those!" or "I'm getting too old for this shit!" in the commercial.

But, it was late in the evening and I had a moody woman with me and something had to be put on the television in order for me to avoid a long talk about something.

So, with that in mind, I popped in the Island.

K, here's my big issue: product placement.

First, Hollywood churns out a shitty movie with a predictable plot, one dimensional characters, and dialogue written by a three year old on a speak and spell.

That's fine. They've been doing that since the late nineties - continuously. I don’t expect movies to ever be good anymore. I expect them to blaze radiation into my brain and put me to sleep so I can think about how maybe two aspects of the plot were interesting.

But, they churn this shit out and expect us to pay for it. And pay for it. And pay for it.

1. The movie comes out and we have to see commercial after sad commercial of it on TV, billboards, radio, newspaper, internet, other movies and so on. This is taking OUR time. Time between something we're trying to enjoy. This is a hit at our wallets in the way that every 39 second commercial is time we could be working!

2. You pay upwards of ten bucks to see the fucking movie. Somehow, as movie content has gone down the tubes, the price of a ticket has gone up. For every "The RINGER" you're paying an extra 5 cents for a ticket. It's shameless.

3. You go into the movie and are hit with, literally, 30 minutes worth of commercials. And not just for movies. It's for the Azteca down the road, Coca Cola, the concession stand, TV SHOWS!!!!, and then, other movies. More of my FUCKING TIME!!!!

4. After, or between the commercials you get a commercial from the Screen Actor's Guild or some shit talking about how we're taking money from the fucking grips or craft service people when we illegally download their shitty movies. FUCK YOU!!!! Please, I encourage everyone to download their fucking movies. Please steal from these fuckers! I don't feel sorry one bit. You know the grips aren't hurting; they're union. And if Tom Hanks can't shit on a golden swan this week, I could give a fuck.

5. Here's the fucker, fucking, motherfucking point: PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Watching the Island, I was told to buy Microsoft, Cadillac, Aquafina, Puma, and a shitty plot. What the fuck? This was only in the first hour. Isn't there some sort of tradeoff? Like, if you're getting 3 million from Puma, you'd think you could take a dime off the ticket, or can the commercials at the beginning or, maybe, NOT WHINE LIKE A BITCH WHEN SOMEONE DOWNLOADS YOUR LATEST SHITFEST!!!!

FUCK HOLLYWOOD. A gang of massive tools, circle jerking themselves using our money to wipe up with. Really. And if you feel the same, quit paying to see this bullshit. Quit watching the Oscars and the Golden Globes. Who gives a fuck? Everyone made a big stink about Tom Cruise being a nutjob douche. Well, here's some news: THEY ARE ALL NUTBAG DOUCHES. Talentless, greedy, ego driven fuckjobs.

If it were fair you'd pay AFTER you saw the movie. This year alone, I think I would have paid for one movie: War of the Worlds. Believe it or not, I liked this movie.

Movies I would not pay for: Narnia, The Ringer, Star Wars.

I'm sure there are more, but I'm too pissed off to go into it.

Fuck Hollywood.

R.I.P. Chris Penn. (Reservoir Dogs was good, and he was good in it. That was, like, 1991)


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