Mumble

Rain.

Rain.

Rain.

It's getting hard to keep a straight face when I explain to people "It doesn't really rain that much in Seattle."

Alaska, at this very moment, is being attacked by a large volcano. Despite eavesdropping by the NSA with revolving wire taps, home invasions, and Watergate burglaries, the volcano has managed to get through our lines of defense and attack us on our very soil.

DAMN YOU VOLCANO! DAMN YOU!

Senior officials in the Bush administration have admitted that the volcano got under the wire. It played sneaky in a prom bathroom. It knocked on America's collective door….and ran.

Silly rabbit?

No, for the silly rabbit was right: tricks are not just for kids.

They are also for dirty volcanoes.

And do you think you're safe? I'm looking at you,. France. Yes, you scoff at our war on terror, but think about this: when a volcano attacks your country, don't expect the Yanks to come to the rescue.

So, now, in the wake of the devastating volcano I ask you America: how much will you give?

Yes, will you give your sons and daughters? Your prized pig that you spent years raising? That Cheetoe in the shape of Margaret Thatcher that you won't even post on Ebay? Your very soul?

Yes, America, it's that time. You've read about it in books of old, but now is your first chance to literally give your soul to stop the monstrous volcanoes that hate our freedom.

Sound interesting?

Well, here's how you do it:

1. Pledge allegiance to your leaders, no matter how corrupt and slimy they are.

2. Turn in friends and family to the thought police.

3. Decide that you can live with phone taps, unwarranted searches, and torture.

Sound easy?

Well it is!

Act now!!!

I'm being spammed left and right by these one name people. I just got one from Alohma. When I got into work it was Kitt, Alaina, Georgia, John, and oddly enough Prince.

How do you make money off spam? Are people actually reading these things? When you see "SIZE DOES MATTER" in your mailbox do you figure that the Amazon God has finally contacted you to spread the word? Why don't they make the whole plane outta the black box????

Surprise, Surprise, it's Lando in disguise.

For my money, I recommend Aqua Teen Hunger Force v. 4.

Hello, how you doing sugar? You're looking so fine in that tank top. Oh, me? I'm an NSA agent, and I've come to tap your phone with my wire – if you get me.

Imagine living in a chocolate city. Wouldn't it be grand?

You could drive your Snickers bar to the Chocolate Easter Bunny, and then spend the day watching the Milky Way as you drink Chocolate shakes and eat M and Ms.

Boy, that Nagan is a hero. Imagine, the guts it takes to compare your populace to "dark chocolate mixed with milk."

Oh well, there's been worse mayors. Like Boss Hogg. Wasn't he the mayor of something? Or that mayor in South Park. Or Adam West from Family Guy.

Too bad Nagan is real.

The chocolate comment didn't really piss me off as much as the "this is God's wrath." Is he vying for the black Pat Robertson?

Oh well. Live and learn.

It's really a shame when you have a shitty President, shitty emergency agency chief, shitty Governor, and a shitty Mayor.

I'm really surprised anyone lived at all. But, Oprah thought he was great, so brainwashed cracker-women the country over can pretend they didn't read this.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night.

That's right. I'm worried the NSA has been eavesdropping on my seductive phone calls to Nancy Grace at late hours.

Yes, it's time I turned myself in. In fact, I'll give you the last transcript. Thanks Bush! You've got me to admit my dirty habit.

NG: Hello???

ME: Uh, is this Nancy?

NG: Yes, Nancy Grace, crime victim.

ME: Uh…so, I've been bad.

NG: Uh huh. What have you done?

ME: I..uh…um….kinda….IstoleaTIMEfrommydoctor'soffice.

NG: Oh, you have been a bad boy.

ME: Tell me what you think they should do to me.

NG: Well, they should lock you up and throw away the key. And once you're locked up they should beat you with a clothes hanger.

ME: Oh…God.

NG: And then pour rubbing alcohol on your blistered wounds.

ME: Uh…uh,…oh GOD.

NG: And then beat you with a rubber hose.

ME: Does the hose have a sprinkler on the end?

NG: What? Wait…who is this?

ME: Marvin.

NG: Who?

ME: Lee Marvin…GOTTAGO!

NG: I'm a crime victim! Again.

So, there you go Mr. Bush. No need to send the NSA after me. I will go peacefully. I'm sorry for what I have done to our country. I'm so ashamed.

Moving right along.

Hillary Clinton may have topped Nagan in stupidest comments this century week with her description of the Bush administration as being akin to a plantation where slaves weren't allowed to question authority.

Really, Hillary, you should have used Cartman as a better example.

Everyone (except the elderly and the retarded) know that the Bush administration is much more like the Empire, with Dick Cheney playing the emperor.

Hills, you just made yourself look like a dope by using MLK day to bash Bush using a racial metaphor. There are so many ways to bash W. without having to use a culture's pain to do so.

But, while you're at it, let me just compare Gitmo to Auschwitz.