Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Crash: Burned

Crash: Burned

Hello. Once again I watched a movie. I'm what you might call a movie person.

But, let's get down to it.

Crash is a piece of shit.

This came as no surprise to me. It was brought to you by the saccharin ass who brought us Thirtysomething and Grand Canyon. Not only that, but I happened to see an interview with Cheedle and the directors and they came off like saps. Throw in that tag Cheedle performance that went something like "Sometimes we just have to crash into each other" and the fact that Brendan Frazier is in it, I pretty much knew this would be a lump of shit that would only warm a fart.

What Crash tries to do is explain that at heart, we're all good people. That, when you strip the criminals of their crimes and the racists of their hate, everyone is a good person.

Hey, that's a great lesson, but if it came as a revelation to you, you probably grew up in a pine box in Greenland.

The movie has the following plot lines, each color coded so that you can discriminate between them:

White Chick: White Chick gets robbed and decides to hate minorities. Great.

Lesson learned: if you get robbed, hate minorities. But, it doesn't stop there. No, with approx. 5 minutes screen time, White Chick falls down some stairs and is nursed back to health by her Mexican maid and White Chick decides not to hate Mexicans.

Lessons learned: If you decide to hate minorities, and you're white, make sure you have a Mexican housekeeper to keep you in check.

White Dude: White Dude is racist in a less "in your face" manner as he uses minorities to help his political career. K, either my mind refused to believe I was watching Brendan Frasier, or I was too drunk to remember, but I don't think he ever learned a lesson. I'm pretty sure in the end of the movie he was still buying and selling blacks as political profit.

Lessons learned: There's a good chance that my mind has evolved so that it filters Brendan Frazier out of movies.

White Cop: White Cop is a white cop. No foolin. His dad was really super nice to blacks and they ended up screwing him over and giving him a shitty HMO because his business, which employed and paid fair wages to blacks, wasn't minority owned. So, now White Cop's dad has all these problems peeing. Make sense? So, White Cop hates blacks. He hates them so much that he pulls a black couple over and fingers the wife. Later, the woman he fingers gets in a car crash and he saves her life. So, the guy who made this shitty movie figures we (the audience) are stuck in a heavy decision of what to think about White Cop. But, in reality, what has happened is a White Cop is an asshole, got the lucky karma to save his soul through making some two second rescue and is STILL AN ASSHOLE. Real heroes go through years and years of tough bullshit to save themselves or others. Real assholes save children from burning building in three minutes and somehow resolve their asshole ways.

Lesson learned: White Cops are always assholes and should never save people from burning alive.

Black Chick: Black Chick is the woman who got fingered (see above) and saved by White Cop. Black Chick decides that her husband is an Uncle Tom because he didn't risk jail or death at the hands of White Cop instead of having White Cop finger her. The whole time I was thinking about it and: get shot, get beaten, get thrown in jail, pay fines for the rest of my life, file a bunch of bullshit paper work and hire a lawyer, wait nine years to see White Cop get suspended for a week OR have my wife fingered by a cop for two seconds: BINGO! Honey, keep some KY in the glove.

Lesson learned: Women aren't crazy about being finger raped in lieu of being beaten, killed, or jailed.

Black Dude: Black Dude is having an identity crisis. Black Dude gets heat from his wife about the finger incident (see above) and decides to begin questioning his ethnicity. What this teaches us is that if you're Black, you'd better figure out what that means. It's not OK to be human – no Black Dude, you must be either black or whitish. Otherwise, you're mixed up and you don't have a definitive character in movies. In the end, Black Dude proves that he's black by, get this, belligerently playing verbal chicken with a gang of angry cops.

Lesson learned: If you don't want to be a sell out, you better be ready to have a bullet magnet of a verbal breakdown in front of a bunch of white cops. Oh, and that if you're black, all your spiritual journeys end with a bunch of white people staring at you and wondering what's his problem?

Mexican Dude: Mexican Dude begins the story being mistaken by White Chick for a gangmember because he has a tattoo. Here I have to ignore the fact that I think people with tattoos are douchebags. Moving right along, Mexican Dude goes to fix Persian Dude's lock and Persian Dude thinks Mexican Dude is trying to rip him off. So, Mexican Dude gets pissed and joins the Marines and goes to Iraq and kills all the Persians he can find. No, that didn't really happen, but I wouldn't put it past the writer. No, Mexican Dude just moved out of the barrio or whatever and is trying to make ends meet in the safe neighborhoods, but his daughter is still haunted by some bullet that went through her Barbie Doll or something. So, Mexican Dude makes up an elaborate lie about his possession of a magic coat that stops bullets and gives this lie to his daughter. Later, Persian Dude comes and tries to kill Mexican Dude, but his daughter stops the bullet with her hatred of Persians…or something.

Lesson Learned: Mexicans still don't get decent characterization in movies.

Young Black Dudes: Young Black Dudes are the Laurel and Hardy of this movie. Read: Amos and Andy. They drive around robbing people and give commentary on racial issues and prejudice, just as they are being stereotypically portrayed in the movie. We're supposed to come off thinking (cue stereotypical white voice) "Well, these young black gentleman are OK because they can speak and think in coherent sentences, even though they rob people at gun point for a living. I like them." These two have absolutely no redeeming moments whatsoever. The closest comes when one of them…get this: sets a bunch of Thais free from a cage to walk the streets of LA.

Lesson learned: As long as you have witty banter, it's OK to rob people at gunpoint if you think there's a good chance you might be able to set a bunch of Thais free to roam the streets as if they were zebras.

Asian Dude: Asian Dude gets hit by a car. That's it. It's like they said "K, no one ever makes movies about Asians. They just don't sell. But, since we're making a movie about the diversity of LA, we're going to need to throw one in. So, we'll have him get hit by a car. Asians get hit by cars a lot, right?

Lesson learned: Asians get hit by cars so often that it's not even funny. Unless it's in this shitty movie.

Cheedle: Cheedle. Cheeeeeeeeeeeedle. Cheeeeeeeeeeeeedle. Cheedley, cheedley, Cheeeeeedle.

Lesson learned: Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedle.

Me: Me is this white guy watching this movie and thinking about how he's being spoon fed these stereotypes that are supposed to prove contrary but only reinforce the stereotypes the media feed us everyday. After watching the movie, Me changes his last name to Cheedle in an attempt to improve race relations. He figures this will work, because it's two hundred times smarter than any answers given in this shitty, shitty movie.

Tony Danza: Tony Danza shows up to makes sure the point of this movie (to make Yuppies feel good about not being able to tolerate real life minorities) is driven home using only his appearance as a guiding tool. In fact, this movie could have just been a shot of Tony Danza holding a flag and as he face fucks Oprah Winfrey. That's pretty much the movie in a nutshell.

Lesson learned: Tony Danza represents everything I hate.

In summation, this movie sucked and figures most of America hasn't thought passed the "I have a dream" speech. This movie made me prejudice against movies. This movie made me think Oprah really isn't so smug and self-righteous.

Well, not really, but…

The worst part is, I saw the producers and director and shit all talking about how important their movie is in their million dollar suits and shit.

In its pursuit to unify man in a common struggle for hope, it has shit out cookie cutter personalities that make you want to hate not only whites and minorities, but humanity itself. This movie further reduces us into color shopping idiots who can't see that the very aim of government and media is to turn us against each other, when it's in fact the government we should turn against. This movie pretended to land on the moon, but really faked it with cameras. This movie shot JFK. This movie took away Michael Jackson's talent and turned him into a pedophile. This movie framed O.J. This movie kidnapped the Lindberg baby. This movie voted for G.W.

Good lord, this movie sucked.



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