Friday, October 9, 2009

The Chronicles of Absolute Boredom

The Chronicles of Absolute Boredom

What a disappointment. I think the main thing here is that someone should have given a child a pair of scissors and let him or her run through the editing room for Narnia.

There was so much pure bullshit that could have been cut out of this movie. The problem is, there would have been little to no movie left.

Which makes me think they should have packed all the books into one movie and saved me the time spent moving from one buttcheek to the other in utter boredom.

The movie starts out with these smarmy British brats getting bombed by Germans.

This was maybe the best part.

You see what I'm saying here? I'm saying that I like dirty Nazis more than I like these children. If Hitler himself was dropped on these children and systematically and ritually tortured these children I would applaud.

So, you can see by my description that I hate these children.

In fact, I might go as far as saying I hate all British children.

No, that's not true. I just hate the ones that always wind up in Disney films. You Brits should stand up and demand that you get some fair child representation in the movies. Good God! Think of all those whiny brats in the Sound of Music.

Really, Hitler should have gassed them.

Moving right along.

So, these shit sucking kids are getting bombed by Germans when they decide to leave their mother for higher ground in Cardiff or Briton or some other English pasture I know nothing about.

Next, the children take up residence with this Professor and his bitch housemaid. The bitch housemaid lectures the kids on all this shit they can't do and treats them like the servant she is.

Now, if I was one of these elf shit kids it would have been like this:

Housemaid Bitch: I'm housemaid bitch, do this, don't touch that, I'm a housemaid bitch.

Me: Listen you fucking servant, I lived in a house, you fucking work in one, the next time you think about opening your mouth think about this: I will probably own you and your shitty children when I grow up and I'm going to make sure you're used for traction when I get the auto stuck in a mud puddle.

Anyway, the kids pick out their beds and play grab ass while their mother, presumably, gets burned alive by German artillery in London.

Now, here's something that you should take note of: All of this shit has happened and still no talking lion. No Minotaur, dwarf, or Cyclops; no, it's just a bunch of stuck-up, twat kids playing hide-and-go-seek in a mansion.

I wanted to kill myself.

I don't remember a bunch of Pollyanna shit for a half hour before Lord of the Rings got started.

Finally, shit starts moving.

Or does it?

You would think something was going to get going when the whiniest of the twats walks into the netherworld that is Narnia.

But, woe to me: she just plays grabass with the gayest wood nymph since gay came to gaytown.

Afterward, she goes back, comes back, goes back, and comes back again.

And in all this time, this is how much the plot has moved…BAM! The time it took you to count those dots before "BAM" is how much the plot moved in space and time from the first entrance into Narnia to the last.

Next, you meet a squirrel or a badger or something that outlines what's going on in Narnia.

This takes about five minutes.

Soon, we're running from the Snow Queen and meeting Asland (spl? Who gives a fuck.).

So, let's plot this out and you can see why I'm so angry at this movie.

First hour: Pollyanna bullshit

Next ten minutes: Narnia explained, escape the Ice Witch, Asland explained, Father Christmas comes out of nowhere, the kids become warriors, and Asland commits suicide (probably because the kids are such shits).

Pretty much, on the whole, one sixth of this movie is a character study from some shitty Dickens novel.

Meanwhile, my ass feels like two stones in a bag of applesauce.

See, Lord of the Rings was way too fucking long. It should have been broken into six movies. BUT! It had continual story development and there was a reason for the length.

Narnia, on the other hand, could have been a half hour episode of Land of the Lost and it would have made sense and touched on all the key elements of Lewis' study on how Christianity is a lot like Ice Queens that hunt talking lions.

Last off: so Asland croaks and the two twit girls get all weepy. But, instead of moving the plot forward, they decide to get everyone else weepy by way of the trees (This makes sense when all you want to do is leave the theater and not think about the plot). So, we get another five minutes of sorrow for the dead lion.

This pisses me off, because as far as the movie has gone, the fucking lion is about five minutes old and we're supposed to give a shit that he died.

Hell, Gandalf got a good hour and a half of near constant screen time and Jackson didn't spend more then two minutes having that Orc Gippeto or Frodo or whatever weep like a bitch.

So, now the lion is dead, but because he's Jesus or Pat Robertson beat off to the Virgin Mary, Asland comes back and everyone's like "OH SNAP!"

But, this is in the midst of battle. Yes, another epic battle to bore the snot out of everyone except that one Mormon kid who snuck into the theater to see his first PG movie.

The only cool thing about this battle was the giant trolls. I don't know why they were so cool, but they were and I applaud them: they made this movie.

So, the good guys win the war and the sniveling kids take their thrones as Kings and Queens of Narnia.

P.S. We're supposed to ignore all the incestual implications of this.

Next, the twats are all grown up and hunting deer.

This bothered me: they're foreigners in a land where even the fucking trees talk and they're hunting deer? Are we supposed to ignore the fact that these are probably talking deer that have jobs, families and triple A cards?

Whatever. It matters not.

So, the pukes go grab assing back to jolly old Britain and realize they are pukes living with a Professor who smokes dope and will probably molest them.

Good lord, what a piece of shit.

You know what the worst part is? I watched the last Star Wars travesty as an appetizer.

It just goes to show why Hollywood is losing sales: movies pretty much suck now. The same goes for music.

Sadly, the only thing that's any good these days is TV. But, I'm sure that won't last.

Oh well.


Buyer beware.

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