Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Back When I Did Drugs Pt. 1

Thanks amy. I know it seems like i don't care about all this shit, but it means a lot to have you comment and support me. You too, Dita.
I think that you both and I are very into pushing envelopes. Not for the sake of pushing envelopes but for the sake of being in an insane world of weirdos and being normal enough to act like weirdos in it.
Most of the time I scoff at this service and everyone in it, but the both of you have really proven to be good writers in the sense that you make sense as real people (and make me laugh).
I don't like giving a lot of comments to your work because I feel it cheapens it when it comes out of my fingers. It's like falling in love and not feeling like you have to say "I love you."
Not to say that the rest of the blogs are shitty, it's just that I feel that I bond with you both in the way that we're wrecks (no offense I'm sure you have fun, but we're definitley not Katie Courics and Matt Lauers) not attached to the abominable boat of humanity that's sinking (reality show, give me stories about abuse, I was never loved nonsense). No you are both my kind: awake enough to know that we're fucked and the world is fucked and it's no fault of the world or of our own.
We truly are the last of the great Mohicans. We are the cars that crash in the night for no other reason than we're doing 90 in a residential neighborhood - and that's all the reason in the world.
I would never be as fake as to say I love you (that would be cheap and you deserve better). But, you both are like extra limbs and I thank you.
P.S. I'm coked out of my gourd.
P.S.S. Which means I'm honest in a way that is true: I'll feel like utter shit in the morning because I became what I really am behind the bullshit; the reason I hate myself in a childish way.
And to my enemies and whatever God I'm looking forward to: this is what I am and all the bullshit in front is crepe paper to hide behind because if I feel I'm a good person then I'm rotten in my hubris.
I'll always think too much and that's what fails me.
If I were a bigger man I would live this way and realize it. But, it's so much easier to deny any good because then we fall victim to what we could never be: used.
No, we're of the type that will never be use because we can only give what is never used in this world at the moment: truth.
We are the reality show everyone is afraid to enjoy.
And we are better for it.

OK, that's that. I don't get high that often, so you won't have to hear it again. But, everytime I'm here I wonder why I can't always be here and how chemicals are personalities on their own. The only trouble is I feel like I can only be me with this and it's really a shame.
I've watched too much TV. I've subscribe to too much of what they told me. I've been original to be original and that's just so fake.

Sincerely, I hope you make fun of me for this junior high admission - but, I'm coked out of the gills and I don't care.
Again, Dita and Amy, you guys are great writers and that's hard for me to say cuz I think compliments are B.S. on the norm. But, you live years away and there's no way I'll get down either of your pants or wallets so take it as true. I read you to feel more normal and that's the last and only compliment I'll give you.
It's an ugly world and I feel your ugliness (beauty) and feel at home.
Something really meaningful,
MATT eckert

P.S.S.S.S If I was a better man I would cry and wouldn't take this post down in the morning as embarrasment. And I probably will. I really hate the fact that it takes drugs to come clean, like washing the tub with a dirty diaper. But, it's all true in a coked up sort of way.

P.S.S.S.S.S. I would totally make fun of this too, so don't feel bad.

P.S.S.S.S.S.S: The Activites Directory chick from the Love Boat works at the QFC on Capitol Hill (Belmont for Chicago, Greenwich for Newyork) in Seattle.

Humility will save us.

If there's anything I've always hated in the world, behind the politics, races, religion, POWER - it's a sure mind. Anyone who is sure of anything in this world is my enemy, because this world is so

No comments: