Saturday, December 12, 2009

Things That Bug Me

Some Shit that You Should Know that I Hate

Men who personally groom themselves: I was just in the bathroom, and I know we've gone over this, but there was this dude washing his glasses for the entire time I was in the bathroom (piss, wash hands, dry hands, leave). He's probably still doing it. I don't touch my glasses with any cleaning supplies until it looks like I'm walking through an erupting volcano.

And I've seen this guy before washing his face, hands, and eyeballs for hours at a time. I'll put money on it, late at night after every one is gone, he washes his dick in that sink.

It's really that I hate anyone who spends more than a few seconds on his or her personal appearance. You know how I comb my hair? I use my fucking hand and some gel. That's it. Meanwhile I see these metrosexual fucks in the bathroom making VO5 commercials in front of the mirror.

Christ I hate people.

Stupid contraptions: So, my Mom got these Wolfgang Puck espresso things, or something. They're these cans that you turn upside down, activate some sort of liquid, turn over, wait eight minutes and you get a can of heated latte...that tastes like shit. My worries include: how did it heat? Could it have been heated using depleted uranium? How much sugar does it take to kill you? Seriously, every last one of these pre-bottled lattes you buy tastes like a sugar storm on planet sugar. Fucking nasty. The only reason I drank this piece of shit was that I didn't have time to stop at Starbucks. CHRIST I'M SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS SHITTY COFFEE I DRANK!!!!!!!!!!

Eskimos: Seriously, I've had it up to here with Eskimos. Fucking everyday all I see is fucking Eskimo this and Eskimo that. Trying to sell me their culture. Fucking hate them. Just last night two of them gang raped me in an Arby's. Man, this country would be 101 percent better without them. Taking all the jobs and, I'm sick of it.

Godzilla: UP TO HERE (hand to forehead) WITH FUCKING GODZILLA. I'm home last night trying to sleep and all of a sudden this electrical tower gets thrown at the Space Needle and totally wakes me up. I go to the window and examine the damage (otherwise I wouldn't now know that the Space Needle was hit by an electrical tower) and what do I see? Well, first I see Mothra eating the 7-11 next door, then I see Godzilla picking up another electrical tower to throw at Key Arena. I yell at Mothra "I’m trying to fucking sleep you dirty Eskimo!" But, Mothra doesn't speak English (because he's a stinking Eskimo) and just roars at me. Mothra's breath is overpowering, so I stumble into my fan and whack my head against the wall. I wake up and decide that I hate Eskimos and that I'm going to drink canned coffee. Later I go for brain surgery.

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