Sunday, December 6, 2009


One True Religion: Believe in Yourself

I believe that most souls are lost on this Earth. I also believe that they can be saved. It all comes down to believing in yourself and that no matter what, you will try your best to do the best you can for yourself and others. And in the end, you'll find that the peace you created for yourself and others will pass on, filling the void of what comes after death and becoming one with the whole that is our universe.

Just joking. You suck and you need a religion.


Hello, folks. My name is Matt Eckert. I was a lost soul, a bumbling toad in the desert that is the wasteland called America. I searched for solace in religion, drugs, and affordable auto repair all my life. But, it wasn't until I came upon one Axl Connelly and the good word that I was able to save myself from myself.

Let me explain: I developed an eating disorder where I would eat shaved ice and only shaved ice every day. Soon, I was 120 lbs and couldn't even turn on my computer without an elaborate pulley/lever device that I had a homeless person make for me for sex.

The point is: I was destroying myself out of my own self-loathing.

That's when I came upon Axl in a bus station in Yonkers, New York.

Axl told me about the honorable prophet Levi Larrington, and how he could save my soul and give me the power to love others and myself as only God intended.

I was like "What the fuck dude, I'm trying to eat this scrumptious hotdog?!"

That's when he sat me down and explained that the hotdog I was eating was actually shaved ice.

I wept, oh how I wept. I wanted to tear my eyes out; I wanted to throw the shaved ice across the bus tunnel – I, I, I...

"You want to reach out to God, don't you?"

I looked up at Axl and my eyes began to water and I began to cry.

After stripping me of all dignity, Axl took me to his Church in the basement of his mother's house. There he explained to me the origins of the honorable Levi Larrington.

Levi was a magician from Pensacola, Florida who was fired from a carnival and decided to go into the water divining business in Oklahoma. One evening, while trying to divine water with two sticks of pine, Levi tripped over a large rock. He got up and cursed the rock and kicked it.

"Hey, quit kicking me."

Levi looked down and realized that the rock was really...well, a rock - but it talked: "Hey buddy, wanna found a religion?"

Levi looked down at the rock and said "Holy shit!"

"That's right buddy, I'm a talking rock. Isn't that schweet?"

Levi scratched his head and thought he must be crazy. Here was a talking rock offering him his own religion. "Um, well, what's the religion about? Are you God?"

The rock replied "Sure, I'm God. Anyway, so you want to found a religion or not?"


"K, well, um, so I'm this talking rock and God sent me down here to tell the world that God is coming and he is wrathful and you will all pay."

"Really?" Levi was frightened.

"No, but I had you going, right?"

After a long back and forth, Levi realized the talking rock was just an obnoxious piece of obsidian. So, he picked up the rock and threw it into a nearby stream where the rock drowned.

I looked at Axl and said "And then what?"

He replied "That's it."

I totally felt jipped. "So, how the hell is this going to save me and bring me peace and love?"

Axl replied "It's not. But, now you know that everything you can't explain isn't divine."

"So, since the talking rock wasn't God, then I shouldn't believe that everything I don't understand is really a communication from God?"

Axl winked at me. Then he farted.

"So, where do we go from here? If there is no God, but just a bunch of crap we assigned divinity to out of stupidity, what should we believe in?"

That's when Axl told me about the revelation of the honorable Levi Larrington.

Levi was super pissed off at the talking rock for having fooled him. So, after drowning the rock and realizing how gullible mankind is to talking rocks, bushes, and televangelists he decided that nothing made much sense and because of this there must be some sort of trick being played on mankind. And, whoever is playing these tricks (parting seas, regenerating livers, writing fortunes for cookies) must enjoy watching confusion. And, this is key, if confusion is the arm of God, then to become God-like is to confuse. Levi decided he would devote his entire life to the confusion of the masses. He would preach to one town on the merits of eating ham on Saturdays, then he would go to the next town and tell them that ham was not to be eaten on Saturdays. Then he would go to the next town and tell them ham is not to be eaten at all. After that, he would elect an apostle for the three towns and have a ham dinner on a Saturday to celebrate. At the dinner he would explain the nature of God the confuser and then he would serve the ham. The people began to fight with each other on the rules concerning ham. Once the group decided to split into three factions of Latter Day Larringtons, Levi would leave town: mission accomplished.

Now, he would move to another state and tell them how stupid the Latter Day Larringtons in the last state were: they thought God had something to do with ham. Then, he would explain the Promised Land only comes through mustard and start the whole process over again.

He moved through state after state until he had made an entire sandwich out of sacred things you're supposed to eat and not eat. This took three years. The Church of Latter Day Larringtons was now broken into 150 factions in fifty states. That makes fifty condiments for a sandwich.

The fighting amongst the factions grew worse and worse, with the first three towns actually resorting to war. It was now time for Levi to unite the 150 churches under one sandwich.

He called for all the churches to gather at a KOA in Billings, South Dakota. There he explained the nature of each of their churches being part of one sandwich – a delicious sandwich.

This didn't go over well and they crucified him.

Before he died, he told one irate Larrington to go forth and spread the good news about the delicious sandwich he created.

And that's what Axl did. The rest of the Larringtons followed, now united in their feelings of being jipped by Levi.

After registering as a church, the Larringtons began to get bucketloads of money from the government and soon will buy Alabama and turn it into a land of utter confusion where you can't take a leak without wondering why nine penguins are in your toilet.

Because, obviously, that's God's plan.

The rest is history.

If you would like to become a Latter Day Larrington, please write me at RECKERT6122@COMCAST.NET. I will send you our bible: Confusion is Serenity by Levi Larrington. Act now and I'll include a free ham.



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