Sunday, December 6, 2009

I Surfed the Blogs

So I Surfed the Blogs Today

Boss is out of town. I took a two-hour lunch: it's great when you can go home and take a nap in the middle of the day. It breaks things up rather nicely.

I cruised blogville today and realized having regular updates is an omission of morbid loneliness and a complete lack of any social skills in the real world whatsoever.

Before you pitch a fit, look around.

Man, every single blog I hit was about how lonely someone was.

So, therefore – I will no longer be posting.

Nope, it's time that I look at the Michael Jackson in the mirror and go and get a life.

Getting a life, I figure, won't be easy.

Things I'll need before I can get a life:

Friends Cool Friends– You can't have a life without friends. And not just friends, but cool friends. I've looked around my crew of friendlies and realized they are nothing like the likes of Jennifer Aniston and those other people on that one show...I forget the name. It was about a bunch of friends that were living as friends in this apartment – point is, my current friends aren't "cool friends." I need cool friends, man I'm telling you.

A Cool Girlfriend – There's no way I'm going to have a life without a cool girlfriend. I figure once I have cool friends, I can turn one of them into my cool girlfriend. My cool girlfriend will have a great sense of humor, a hot bod, and will do totally slutty things, but won't be a slut. See, she'll only be doing them to me, see where I'm going with this?

A Job Where Me and My Business Partners Eat Chinese Food Out of Those Cool Containers in a High Rise Manhattan Building: I think this one is self-explanatory. But, for folks who don't know, you haven't made it until you have meetings where you talk about stocks and bonds and eat Chinese food in a Manhattan high rise. C'mon, is anyone listening?

A Body Like a Greek God Who Works Out A Buttload: That's right. Some people think that getting a life is as easy as getting cool friends, a cool girlfriend, and a job where you eat Chinese food in a Manhattan high rise while talking stocks and bonds. This isn't the case. You need a body like a Greek God who works out an assload. Some people figure they can have a Greek God body and get by, but that's not the case. You need a body like a Greek God that totally works out an assload. I mean, I'm thinking this Greek God works out nine times a day in hour increments. He can hardly fit in all his babes and cool friends. But, he does. Wanna know why? He's a Greek God that works out a buttload.

A Cool Drug Problem: Currently, I have two drug problems (three if you count huffing): beer and cigs. Now, where these drug problems are a fuckcarnival of fun – they aren't cool drug problems. Women hate the smell of smokers (well, the hot ones that don't smoke) and the vision of a man with a pot belly surrounded by beer cans is probably what most people dread the bathroom attendant in hell will look like. So, with that in mind I'm like Huey Lewis (albeit drunker)– I need a new drug. Cool drugs: cocaine – for that man-on-the-go look, heroin – for that Kurt Cobain edge. Look, everyone agrees that in order to have a life you must be coked to the gills or tied up in medical tubing.

An Ethnic Sidekick: Watch any movie and every cool guy with a life has an ethnic sidekick. Now, I have a lot of so-called ethnic friends, but none of them are dumb enough to want to be my sidekick. But, here's the rub: I'm going to have all these cool friends, cool girlfriends, containers of Chinese food, and a stash of powerful blow – pretty soon being Matt Eckert's Ethnic Sidekick doesn't sound so bad, huh?

A Dreaded Disease: You'd think that having a life means having a long one. But, no. In order to have a life you need a dreaded disease that can kill you at any moment and that you can talk about in a "very special" episode of your life. Let me put it this way: you're in the high rise with the Chinese food, cool friends, hot girlfriend, ethnic friend doing blow off financial statements and one of your cool friends asks you if you can help him move on Saturday. You turn to him and you go "I MIGHT NOT BE ALIVE SATURDAY!" in a crying jag voice. Everyone moves to comfort you and you explain that you weren't going to tell anyone you have Perry Como syndrome and that at any second you could lose your mind and start singing Christmas songs FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL. Then you start this campaign with your Perry Como syndrome bracelets that are clear colored and cool looking and you totally outsell the cancer and lymphoma ones and everyone loves you and you have this totally cool waterslide and you get to eat donuts all day and you have this huge tank that you get to fire into the ocean every time you're too coked up to go to work and then you...well, you don't do all that. That wouldn't be having a life as much as it would be having an illness, but you get my point.

Let's recap: cool friends, cool girlfriend, a job where you eat Chinese food in a Manhattan high rise and talk about stocks and bonds, a cocaine or heroin problem, an ethnic sidekick, and a dreaded disease with a bracelet made in your honor: the cornerstones to having a life.

So, set you to your task...

And, please, don't try to thank me – I enjoy helping you, that's what I'm here for!



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