Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Handey Hack

Handey Hack

If you wanna play God, sure, keep those flies in that jar. But, I'll warn you: if they develop a religion around you, you better be able to perform a card trick or two. Otherwise, you know, they might not believe you're God anymore.

You might think that in a perfect world there would be no borders or boundries. But, then, that's a lot of maps and globes that someone would have to update.

Mormons will come and go, but I never will forget the one that delivered me pizza last night. Because, afterall, how many Mormons ask you for 18.95 plus tip?

When I was younger, my father sat me down and told me about the facts of life. But, the one fact that I could never understand is why my father insisted upon calling me Tootie.

I told the bartender that I would love to tip her, but I had spent the money on the drink I had just bought.

I think a beautiful place to visit would be San Ignacio, Bolivia. I don't know why I think that, but I do.

If a plane crashes on an ice sheet in the winter, do you think the flotation devices would wait until spring to inflate?

Why do they call German Shepards, German Shepards? I mean, what's the deal with that? It could be that they decend from German dogs and they were used as shepards, but, that's probably just what they want you to believe.

If you come upon a difficult problem and ask for assistance, the best person to ask will probably be a convicted murderer. Because, they'll probably tell you that murder is not the answer, then you'll avoid being a convicted murderer.

I think more children should look up to NBA stars. Because, NBA stars are normally taller than children, so it kinda works out.

I think a funny story problem would be about an engineer that has to burn passengers to keep the train going and how many passengers it will take to keep the train going and get the Queen of the Netherlands to the concert on time without using her for fuel. No, that's probably not a good story problem, but it might be a good TV show or movie. You decide.

If you ever see someone play that old "gotchur nose" game, tell them to stop it. Because, that game always ends in lies.

I've gotten a lot of report cards in my time. That's it. That's all I'm trying to say, but you know, when you think about that - that's a lot of report cards.

If I was a pirate, I would hide my booty in my butt. Because, then when the English Captain asked me where the booty was I'd point at my butt and say, "it's here!" And the English Captain would think I was just joking around and he wouldn't look for the booty there.

A good game to play is that one where you're steering and you have to shift gears and stuff. No, wait, that's driving a car.

Sammy and I used to drive Mr. Roberts down to the grocer every Sunday. He was an older gentleman and I think he enjoyed the company. But, he used to get quite excited when we'd break into the house to pull him from his sleep to do it. Some people don't take kindness easily.

I guess the best job you could get is the job where you get paid to do something you love. That's probably why prostitutes don't have unions.

If you ever find yourself unhappy with the food someone has cooked you, just think about the poor Ethiopians. That and a lot of ketchup.

I explained to young Michael, there's a lot in life to live for. Then I hung him over the balacony by his feet. The thought of a free fall to your death really drives the point home. He stopped complaining about our trip to the Space Needle right then and there.

If I were a monkey, I'd tell all the other monkeys that I was the Messiah monkey. Because, monkeys are probably very naive. I'd also tell them that my hands shoot electricity. Man, monkeys are so stupid.

A funny game to play with your dog is to play chase the stick. A funner game is to light the stick on fire. It's more fun if it's not your dog.

I remember the last time I saw Jane. We were out on the beach, just staring at the ocean. The sun was going down and we were holding hands. I told her that I loved her and I would always love her. Oh, and we were both dressed as clowns. Man, Jane and I were funny like that. Anyway, she got herpes and I don't call her anymore, why?

You think candy is good, right? Well, what if candy tasted like fire. I don't know what fire tastes like, but, hey, would you like it then?

A lot of people will tell you that people are mostly the same, but how do you explain those people that disagree? Because, those people are not the same. Oh, and wolfboy and Frankenstein.

If there's ever a water shortage and bandits and pirates control a water syndicate, I bet it'd be OK to not wash your hands after using the restroom. Because, hey, that's precious water there, buddy.

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