Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Bloody Condom Beach

Phantoms haunt me.
They really do.
What else? Well, apparently a sick, retarded rodent thinks I'm making up profiles of her.......
Anyway, back to the phantoms. Last night, as I was laying in my bed the phantoms of three elderly, German monks came to me and expressed their deep apologies for scaring me half-to-death, then went on to tell me about the end of the world.
I explained to them that I really wasn't in the mood, and that I was half-drunk, but they went on and on....something about...I think it was the 3rd of August of 2012. I'm not really sure. It could have been December, but it involved that Sedna planetoid and the alien race that pilots it. Apparently, they will take the chosen to some sort of Eden and leave the rest to die.
Apparently, I get to take the trip to the Eden, as I am enlightened and don't have a pony tail or tattoos.
So, there's that. But, it's just annoying. The last time I was haunted was a week ago when a group of Shriners came by to see if I wanted to go bowling. That really pissed me off.
Anyway, for the record – phantoms haunt me.
Oh, man. I'm tired....tired of writing this. I really have nothing to write about, but I figured I'd post with the last few minutes I'm here.
More on the phantoms:
Some of the phantoms aren't even from this planet. Like Lego from Legoland. You remember that little astronaut Lego-man? Well, he's based on a real creature – Lego. He's fucking annoying, but kinda funny when you see him in actual size ratio. He's always trying to get beer from me. I haven't seen him in awhile, but he came by Christmas Eve. I was really freaked, cuz I thought Jesus would show up again.
Lord. Jesus can scare the shit out of you. I'll be sleeping and he'll jump up and go "BOO!" Then he'll laugh his ass off and say "see ya" and exit through the window, just to be funny. He's a real joker, but he'll scare the hell out of you sometimes.
Anyway, so Lego always wants beer and that was his demand Christmas Eve. I got him a beer and had one myself. He's been dead for nearly 50 years and always wants to watch TV. I asked him why he doesn't go haunt Legoland, but he told me they're all squares. He wasn't trying to be cute either. He doesn't have much of a sense of humor, like Jesus. He's more nuts and bolts. Always talking about interlocking this, or stacking that. He rearranged my cupboards one time so that everything fit together and made small walls. Trying to make beans became a game of Jenga.
Anyway, on Christmas Eve he told me that there was a band of German Monks that would play "end of the world" pranks on people. So, I'm not really worried about them. Lego said he's had bad run ins with them before.
Fucking phantoms keep haunting me.
Keith just notified me that Angel has the Feds on me. I don't understand this huggaboo, it's not even me posting. I think Angel is a elderly, German monk. She shows all the signs: making up stories, annoying me, smelling of pickles...
My stomach still hurts. I keep eating crap food. I no longer believe that living unhealthy makes me strong, powerful. No, it makes me gassy.
The phantoms always comment on the lack of d├ęcor in my bedroom. I live in an apartment, so I always think I'll be moving soon, so I don't have any pictures up or anything. This seems to disturb the phantoms greatly.
Goddamn phantoms.
They're the worst.

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