Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Happy Holidays, You Guys

Christmas is a Special Time of Year

The holidays are upon us, and since WE SAY CHRISTMAS, it's important for you to know that Jesus died for them.
Or was born for them.
Either way, fat people get to eat to their heart's content with the lie they hold in their heart: I will lose 200 pounds for New Years.
Or Lent.
Either way, I'm fat and enjoying getting fatter.
But we must not forget the spirit of the season that comes after Christ, after buying stuff, and somewhere below rummaging through your closet for a pack of hangers to regift to someone – giving.
Giving is an important part of human nature, but is even more important during the holidays. Sure, you might be able to get away with accepting free food and gifts without lifting a finger for others, but there's a whole nation of Republicans that will come knocking on your door asking you to work for a living or to get out of their country.
I should know. Back in 96 I had no job and had just opened my 14th gift and was laughing out loud about how I was sticking it to the man. Well, this group of Republicans had hunted me down using my social security card and directions from my Dad.
They were pretty mad that I wasn't working and taking gifts from family members. They suggested I get a job, and then they suggested that I leave the country. I tried to explain that other countries require that immigrants have some sort of use, but they weren't having it. They explained that I could get into another country as a political refugee. I asked them if they would sign the paperwork, but they told me that they didn't do clerical work and that I should get one of their Armenian housekeepers to do it.
The point is - you have to give. Give something. If you don't have anything to give, give your life. I knew a guy who was broke and around the holidays he got all depressed and I realized it was because he didn't have anything to give. So I suggested that he give his life. His family still doesn't talk to me after his unfortunate drop from the Columbia tower.
That's what you calling giving till it hurts. But to be honest, I'm pretty sure he didn't feel anything.
This year I have decided to give the gift of stuffing. I have chosen to make the rounds with my family and personally stuff any dead animal with crushed crotons.
I imagine I may buy gifts for some people, but unless they can give me something, I probably won't bother. See the Republicans above.
The holidays are also about dead people and remembering dead people that can't be here. See Columbia Tower.
I guess my favorite dead person this year is Oral Roberts. The man threatened to die so often that by the time he did, most people figured he had it coming. There's a story called the Boy Who Cried Wolf, it is the story of a boy who yells wolf a bunch and eventually Duran Duran appears and takes him to the land of misfit toys. But Oral didn't do his homework. Or, if Oral did, he didn't do the best job. It's known far and wide that Oral is sloppy.
That was cheap.
You know what else is cheap? Hookers after Christmas. See, everyone goes out and gets their Christmas hooker before December 25th. So, when the 26th rolls around…man, I'm telling you.
And always remember – you can give a guy named Oral a hooker, but you should never give a hooker oral.
I have a friend who learned that the hard way.
You could say he got into a sticky situation.
One might call him dying in a hospital as I write this from AIDS.
That's another thing about the holidays – it kills people. Chances are you are more likely to die from a heart attack or stroke the day after Christmas than any other day of the year. This is why Canada celebrates Boxing Day. It's the holiday where the Canadians box up their dead and they give them to each other.
My buddy Ray lives in Canada and he got someone's dead uncle last year. You'd think you can't do much with a dead body, but Ray is queer and you can do the math.
Next is New Years. New Years is where people get drunk to celebrate the coming year…or the going year. It depends how good your previous year was. If it was bad, you celebrate the new year and the chance (in my case) at a 33rd chance. If it was good, you celebrate the last year and how good you made it. It's a win-win holiday. However, if you are celebrating how you're going to make a change in your life and you wake up with a hangover giving oral to a hooker, you're probably screwed.
Then it's MLK day and everyone stays home from work to celebrate the life of a man who worked so hard.
Pretty soon you're getting drunk again on St. Patrick's day. Many people don't know this, but St. Patrick is a saint who wrangled snakes. I'm not making this up. That's why snake charmers are usually drunker than shit.
Pretty soon it's Easter. And it's Christ's time to shine again. However, this is all about how he died, so it's more somber than Christmas. But there are bunnies that lay chocolate eggs. What this has to do with crucifixion is beyond even me.
Soon, it's Mother's Day and it's time to call your Mom and change that light bulb in her hallway.
Next up is Flag Day and Father's Day, the loser holidays.
Then it's the Fourth of July. This is the celebration of America (the cool top one). People of all countries come together on this day and thank America for kicking ass and making Country Western music.
Pretty soon there's Labor Day, which always gets mixed up with Memorial Day, because they are both days.
Later, you have Halloween, where children dress up as dead people. I'm not sure why we do this, but it'd probably be more appropriate if we did it on Easter.
I'm just saying.
Next is Thanksgiving, which is kinda like New Year's and St. Patrick's day, only instead of booze, it's food.
Following that are Hanukah and Kwanza and all the other holidays that I was informed about via a Gap commercial.
Then you're back at Christmas.
How many is that?
1. Christmas
2. New Year's
3. MLK
4. St. Patrick's Day
5. Easter
6. Mother's Day
7. Loser holidays
8. Fourth of July
9. Memorial or Labor Day
10. Halloween
11. Thanksgiving
12. Gap Day
Does anyone see what I'm driving at? Why don't we just name the months after the holidays? Sure, some of them fall in the same month, but we could work around it. Gap Day could be moved back to what used to be November, Halloween follows, etc.
That means I was born Loser Holidays 9, 1976. Thanksgiving would fall in the month of Gap Day. And Halloween would be celebrated in Thanksgiving.
It's amazing that I don't have a golf course named after me.

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