Wednesday, December 9, 2009

General Tsow

General Tso’s Chicken

To our good and loyal subjects: After pondering deeply the saucy goodness of my chicken, I have decided that I would be only acting in selfishness if I didn’t share my recipe with the world.

We have ordered our Government to communicate to the Governments of the United States, Great Britain, China and the Soviet Union that my delicious recipe be shared with all.

To strive for the common prosperity and happiness of all those who love chicken sweet and salty; the recipe which has been handed down by our imperial ancestors and which we lay close to the heart, I would like to bestow to the masses.

Indeed, we declared war on America and Britain out of our sincere desire to insure the safety of my tasty recipe, it being far from our thought either to infringe upon the sovereignty of other nations or to embark upon territorial aggrandizement as it relates to how good my chicken really is.

But now the war has lasted for nearly four years. Despite the best that has been done by everyone--the gallant fighting of our military and naval forces, the diligence and assiduity of out servants of the State and the devoted service of our 100,000,000 people--the war situation has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage, and where my chicken is a proud and ingenious concoction, this war needs to end.

Moreover, the enemy has begun to employ the most deadly weapon we Japanese have ever seen: Colonel Sanders. Should we continue to fight, it would not only result in an ultimate collapse and obliteration of my chicken, it would also result in the Colonel coming here and selling his salty skin cud to our masses, furthering the damage McDonald’s has done to our taste buds.

Such being the case, how are we to save the millions of our subjects, nor to atone ourselves before the hallowed spirits of our imperial ancestors? This is the reason why I have ordered the acceptance of the provisions of the joint declaration of the chicken.

We cannot but express the deepest sense of regret to our allied nations of East Asia, who have consistently cooperated with the Empire toward the super secret ways of my chicken.

The thought of those officers and men as well as others who have fallen in the fields of battle, those who died at their posts of duty, or those who met death [otherwise] and all their bereaved families, pains our heart night and day. And for this, I almost wish I never created such a delicious recipe.

The welfare of the wounded and the war sufferers and of those who lost their homes and chicken is the object of our profound solicitude. Apparently, America just wanted it more; more being my chicken recipe.

We are keenly aware of the inmost feelings of all of you, our subjects. However, it is according to the dictates of time and fate that we have resolved to pave the way for a grand peace for all the generations to come by enduring the [unavoidable] and suffering of cheap and shitty American cuisine. It saddens my heart to think of my chicken in a McTso, but that is the way of the world now.

Beware most strictly of any outbursts of emotion that may engender needless complications, of any fraternal contention and strife that may create confusion, lead you astray and cause you to lose the confidence of the world.

Let the entire nation continue as one family from generation to generation, ever firm in its faith of the imperishableness of its divine land, and mindful of its heavy burden of responsibilities, and the long road before it. Unite your total strength to be devoted to the construction for the future. Cultivate the ways of rectitude, nobility of spirit, and work with resolution so that you may enhance the innate glory of the Imperial State and keep pace with the progress of the world.

And say a prayer that the Colonel will not visit our land with his buckets of fried fat on bone.

Say a prayer for Japan, my chicken, and Hello Kitty.

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