Wednesday, December 9, 2009

When You Say "I Love You" I Feel Like You're Being Sarcastic

Godzilla is Dead and Remember September 11th

A lot of you have been questioning our military progress off the coast of Japan, and I'm here to reassure the American people that our actions are steadily succeeding.

And remember September 11th.

A year ago all power over the islands off Japan that were once occupied by Godzilla are now in Japanese hands.

Our brave soldiers took down a monster made from nuclear fallout and greed and liberated a people.

But, now we face our toughest challenge: the other monsters.

Sure, it's fair to say that Godzilla never attacked us and maybe his place out in the Pacific, whether to ruin a few buildings or gas the Thais, was evil but served as protection against the even more evil and multiple monsters he held at bay.

Some will say that the likes of Titanasaurus and Mothra were kept at arms length due to Godzilla's position out there. Some will say that without Godzilla and with the plentiful fallout of the islands, we've created a breeding ground for new monsters, like Baragon.

Some might even go as far as saying that Battra and Orga would never have been anywhere near Seattle when they came and ate it, if it weren't for the fact that Godzilla wasn't in the Pacific to swat them away like large, terrible flies.

I understand that San Francisco, Hong Kong, and Portland are now in the belly of Megalon and that Megaguirus is off the coast of Mexico as I speak, fighting King Ghidora and sending flames into Mexico city.

Was it worth it?

You're damned right.

We attacked Godzilla because we believed that he might have the capability to shoot anthrax out of his tail.

We were wrong.

But, should we have let Godzilla go on until he finally had evolved into the type of monster that could shoot anthrax out of his tail?

I think a billion Chinamen wouldn't take too kindly to that.

Some would say we're fighting for nothing. Well, sir, you tell that to the people of Bangkok who lost sons and daughters when Godzilla sat on a small village and expelled his Godzilla gasses which turned out to be akin to mustard gas. It may not have been anthrax, but you just try to tell me you'd enjoy watching your family tear up for five hours.

I get a lot of questions. "When are we going to catch Bin Laden?" Well, Bin Laden is not on my mind right now.

Bin Laden pales in comparison to the likes of Gigan or Rodan, Ebirah or Destoroyah.

No, we will stay the course and finish our job.

When the great Biollante comes and attacks your city and you blame it on Godzilla being gone I want you to think hard, think deep, and remember September 11th.

Well, not the part about Bin Laden, but the part could have gotten anthrax in his tail and shot it all over Houston. Maybe he didn't, but he could have.

Good night, God bless and remember September 11th.

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