Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Some Christmas Stories Retold

The Christmas Story

Many people don't realize that the Christmas Story they were told is, in fact, false.
2009 years ago, almost EXACTLY, the world was a different place.
Back then, dinosaurs trodded the Earth, and the word "trodded" was a word.
Sure, you'll read about mangers and old shacks made of wood, but in reality, the Earth was much more advanced.
Yes, we all know the story of how the Messiah was born. But in fact, he was hatched from eggs. Yes, eggs. There were three. One for the head, another for the torso, and another for the Messiah's limbs. Back then, in dinosaur times, people were built pre-fab and it was on Christmas day that people got their children in eggs laid by reptilian goats. They would spend the day putting their children together. That is how Christmas came about.

Santa Claus Reaks

Another famous Christmas story is about Santa Claus and how he came to be from lowly saint to fur loving man about Earth. But what they don’t tell you is that he also had some problems.
Elves can't smell. It's a scientific fact. Not only that, but Mrs. Santa died in 1908 from diabetes.
Without an objective smeller, Santa was free to not bathe. And not bathe he did. All the live long day, everyday.
One could say Santa is the stinkiest man alive. Imagine leaving meat out in the hot sun for a few days, then add some tartar sauce and let it sit for another few days. While you're doing that, go smell some dogshit – that was what Santa smelled like.
That's why Santa comes down the chimney, because his aroma must be doused with the rising heat of your fire, or your house would reak like Santa's smelly balls.
This is science, folks.

The Gingerbread Man Once Stole Purses

It's true.
"You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"
Well, they did catch him and in exchange for his miraculous story, they let him go. They sold the story to Penguin publishing and the rest is history.
But before all that, he was a petty thief.
A gingerbread thief.
That's why gingerbread houses are made from gingerbread and not wafers – the idea is to catch the Gingerbread Man by creating a lavish home for him to hang out in.
And that's where they caught him.
Now everyone celebrates the Gingerbread Man by creating small houses for him to hang out in so he doesn't steal so much.
But during the summer months, boy howdy! That man is thieving like a coked out Gypsy!

Rudolph the Red Eyed Reindeer

Rudolph the Red Eyed Reindeer
Had a very shiny bowl
And if you ever smoked it
You would eat a pork roast whole
All of the other reindeer
Used to steal his stash and steal his game
They would let old Rudolph
Stand-alone in the cell and take the blame

Then one foggy Christmas night
(Santa was on Ambien)
"Rudolph with your shit all fucked up in the jail for fucking smoking reefer and playing with my wife's panty hose and what's on Jeopardy?"

The Little Drummer Boy

The Little Drummer Boy was actually a real person who lived in the dino-world as read above.
His name was Marvin.
And Marvin wasn't little. He was like 9 ft tall. He played basketball and the drums (as you might have guessed from his nickname).
Anyway, he had no idea that Jesus was being born or any of that stuff. He was just out having a good time, all f'd up on Rudolph's reefer when he wandered into this Motel 6 and came upon this couple, their baby, and three hockey players.
"What's up, dudes?" He asked.
The Los Angeles Kings were on loan from the future as this Middle Eastern business man was trying to sell hockey to the Middle East, which was actually going through a mini ice age at the time.
"I'm Wayne Gretzky!" said one.
"I'm the Little Drummer Boy."
"Alright!" Then Marvin kind of jammed out for a bit on the drums as Joseph and Mary put their egg baby together with a screwdriver they had borrowed from the LA Kings that night.
That's why the LA Kings were over there hanging out.
No one gave anyone any gifts, so the Drummer Boy was just playing to jam a bit. But it was a good drum solo and the LA Kings decided to bring him back to the year 1987, where Marvin changed his name to Dave Grohl. And the rest is history.

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