Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Back When I Did Drugs

Oh Brother

Well, yesterday was a nightmare. Three years since I did coke and I spent 18 hours realizing why.

Saturday I went to the outlet mall and bought clothing to make myself feel better about myself. I could have saved 200 dollars by not getting embarrassingly drunk and stoned the following evening.

What else?

After yesterday's fortress of paranoid solitude I've decided I'm not going to return to my apartment for a good six months.

It's amazing how ugly and prison-like a dwelling can become when you're stuck in it for a whole day.

Drugs are bad.

Crap, I remember around two I ended up taking a sponge to what was left.

I don't even want to think about it.

Saturday night, before I decided to treat my body like a test subject at Pfizer, I went to Chris' wedding reception.

Immediately upon entry there's a picture of Chris and his wife and space for signing and writing some witty note about how you wish them the best.

Now, his wife is hot and maybe I'm being prudish here: but, what the fuck was up with the full on leg action in the pic?

It's a picture of them sitting on a rock kissing with the ocean behind them and she has her dress pulled up to reveal her leg up to her waist.

This is the couple that sent me a Christmas shot with her panties showing. But that was on accident – or was it?

I don't know, maybe weddings should be tacky: they'd be more truthful that way. But, I don't think they wanted tacky, especially after watching the cavalcade of Hallmark Hawaii that was their wedding video.

No, I think they thought it was romantic. But, it didn't come off that way. Ten minutes after my arrival I saw the best man and a group of Shriners from the adjacent hall circle jerking to the picture.

Later I made a drunken speech.

The funny part was I wasn't even drunk.

Let me explain: I thought it would be funny to pretend that I was drunk.

This did not go over well. This came off as creepy.

I've made plenty of wedding speeches and they've all gone great. In some circles I'm known as "That guy that made the funny speech."

Not at this one, brother.

This one I came ill prepared. I totally forgot that speeches were in order. It was Weisberg, so I didn't even take the wedding seriously. The last wedding I went to I was too hungover to even talk.

So, I wasn't expecting to give a speech. Normally, I would have written something beforehand.

So, I went on at the coaxing of these semi-friends I have, who probably just wanted to watch me make an ass of myself.

I started off with the beginning of the Luke Wilson speech from Old School. This went over well with the ten people who were familiar with that film.

Then I went into some unfunny crap about T-ball, and went further down the spiral with jokes about how drunk I was.

This was all interspersed with long, creepy pauses while I tried to think up another joke.

Stilted laughter and applause have never been used so ferociously.

Later, I went to some crappy club in a funk, told some annoying women to leave by doing something I thought was funny at the time, then bought a gram of coke, was euphoric for five hours and then plummeted into some paranoid depression as I kept reciting the mantra "It's only the drug."



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