Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I Like Women Who Wear Lipstick


Restaurants should give in to consumer needs and start putting fingers on the menu.

Look, for years now we've been doing everything we can to find fingers in our food. I know it's an unsettling aspect of our psyche, like the enjoyment we have when we hear a "white man dance like this" joke, but the truth is we want to eat fingers.

Case in point: finger food – a clever name to identify foods that are small enough to be picked up by the fingers? No, it's our base cannibal urge to eat numerous fingers.

Think about it: French fries, jalapeno poppers, and chicken strips all resemble fingers, somewhat.

Is it any wonder that we rub our bellies with our hands when we're hungry? It's because we secretly want our hands in our stomach.

Infants are our best mirrors of our most base needs and what does every infant do from the day they're born until they're five?

They suck their thumbs. Why? Because they want the delicious protein that only a finger can give.

So, today when I read that another patron has accused another restaurant of placing a finger in their salad, I thought – the time has come to be honest with ourselves: we like to eat fingers.

And we're so ashamed of this that when we find that we enjoyed that delicious finger we accuse the restaurants of diabolically or accidentally placing it there.

The truth is the restaurants know what we like: they spend millions on studies such as this one:

John Public: Hello?

Studier: Hello, is this Mr. Public?

JP: Yes.

S: Hello, this is Studier from Levico. We are a company that works with the service industry to provide beneficial reports on the tastes and habits of the average American. We're currently taking a survey on restaurant patronage. We'd like to ask you a few questions concerning your restaurant patronage. All of your answers and input will be confidential. Would you have a couple of minutes?

JP: Uh, sure.

S: Great, for the record my name is Studier and you've accepted Levico's invitation to take this survey. All the information you provide us will be confidential. Are these statements true?

JP: Yes.

S: Great. Mr. Public, when was the last time you ate at a restaurant, drive thru and take out included?

JP: Uh, well, I've got a Whopper in my hand right now.

S: Oh, great. OK, and the last time – er, the Whopper, are you enjoying it?

JP: Yeah, it's meaty.

S: "Yes" or "no" are fine. OK, and were you satisfied with your purchase?

JP: Sure.

S: OK, I'll mark that as "Yes." And would you say that you would eat at the Burger King establishment again?

JP: Yes.

S: Super. OK, now what could Burger King do to make your visits more satisfying?

JP: Well, I only got two packets of ketchup and the fries suck.

S: OK, ketchup, fries..Alright, anything else?

JP: Oh, it would be awesome if they served human fingers.

S: Excuse me?

JP: Well, these surveys aren't going to use my name, right?

S: That is correct sir; all the information you provide us will be confidential.

JP: Well, then I have to admit that if you, like, strategically placed a thumb or half a forefinger in a Whopper or a cup of fries I would enjoy my meal more. In fact, if you served a basket of fingers with a dipping sauce that would be awesome.

S: Really? So, human flesh on the menu?

JP: No, not all human flesh, just the fingers.

S: All right, well your honesty was refreshing. I appreciate your input.

JP: No problem. Cubs win!

S: Thank you.

That was a survey done by yours truly. And at random.

Look, we're not going to win our wars, or unite this country until we come to grasp some cold, hard facts: we like to eat fingers with dipping sauce.



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