Saturday, March 20, 2010

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An American in the Web

Hello, all.

I am but of modest means. I lack the appropriate fundage, linguistics and social graces to visit other countries...barring Canada.

So, with that in mind, it has come as much relief that I'm able to converse with those in other countries.

I take pride in the fact that I know Jim in Greenland, Joe in New Zealand, and Doug in Madagascar.

I also enjoy speaking with Jill in South Africa, Gordy in Morocco, and Bill in China.

Bill is one of my favorites. He tells me that his name means "Man of tall thunder" in his native Cantonese tongue. Imagine that.

Jill has a black complexion and tells me that in her country, instead of African-American she is called an African-African. She tells me this separates her from the Chinese that stole their land in 1957 and started something called "Apartheid."


Joe tells me that New Zealand is about "yay big" and is populated by "Orcs" and "Thunderdomes." Joe says that his name means "Man of a thousand tongue diseases" in his native aboriginal tongue.

It's really quite amazing all the information I have gleaned from my fellow Earthlings. In fact, I find it beautiful that we can share a little bit about our cultures and ourselves even though we hate each other with a rabid passion.

For instance, did you know Americans consider botulism a delicacy?

It's true.

In some of our finest restaurants you can order botulism for 78$ (USD).

I know a lot of you out there love American cuisine and I have some underground dishes that you may want to order on your next trip to the states. True Americans only order these dishes, so you will impress your hosts and will fit in much easier if you order them:

Cheeseburger: This is ground beef between two buns with cheese and something we call ketchup. I know it sounds crazy, but it's delicious.

Cheetoes: These are puffed corn (or something) seasoned with cheese. Mmmmm....delicious.

Pizza: This is a bread dish served with melted cheese and pepperoni. Some people believe the Italians or even the English smuggled this recipe to the Americans in 1992 in exchange for tea, but I don't believe it.

So, there are some foods you should order your next time in the states.

Our primary language is English.

English has a colorful background as it was our great president George Washington who created this language and named it after New England (the North-Eastern part of the States).

English is vary heart 2 lurn and most ov us in the States hav yet to mastur it.

Please do not confuse our language with "The Queen's English." This will irritate most Americans as we learned that the letter "U" was actually a form of witchcraft. The English, in the British Invasion of 1964, stole our language and injected it with as many u's as possible to completely piss us off.

Since 1964 we have been at war with the English over their thievery of our language. But, in 2004 we signed a treaty with Scotland and now we have Braveheart on our side.

Moving right along.

Some of the other things my "mates" from around the world and I have talked about:

NICETHAILADY: Hello, Matt. It is good to hear from you.

MATT: Hi Sara, how is Thailand?

NICETHAILADY: Thailand is fine. I just learned how to sew. Do they have sewing in America?

MATT: Yes. But we call it Football.

NICETHAILADY: Tell me more of your customs.

MATT: We like to bomb people for no reason at all.

NICETHAILADY: That's not very nice.



MATT: Really, you're not wearing a thing?

CHICKFROMSCOTLAND: No, and I'm being naughty.

MATT: So am I.

CHICKFROMSCOTLAND: Wanna cum with me?

MATT: Oh, yes.

CHICKFROMSCOTLAND: You're making me so wet.

MATT: Good god, I'm gonna cum.



MATT: I have a HAM radio.

INTERNET: Browser offline.

MATT: So, do you have pizza in Ireland? Cuz it would be funny to eat pizza in Ireland.

JASMINE: I told you I'm from Scotland.

MATT: I thought Scotland was Ireland? Like the Soviet Union is part of the U.K.?

JASMINE: Are you retarded?

MATT: No, I'm American.

JASMINE: Kinda like Scotland is Ireland?

MATT: Huh?

JASMINE: You're retarded if you're an American.


So, as you can see, I'm almost like a representative of America. I guess I've always wanted to be a diplomat. Like that time I convinced that drunk girl to have sex with me.

Anyway, I hope you've learned something about America and Americans. Feel free to comment on your country and tell me a little bit about it. Maybe we can be friends? You never know. Then you can tell your buddy in Brazil or Canada that you met a real-life American. They will be very impressed.

Which reminds me of the time I went to Vancouver (that's in Canada) and I told everyone I met "I'm an American!" and they were speechless. I guess it is the best country in the world. And I can say this never having been to any other country except Canada.

Well, Canada is better, but that's only one place.

But, my ex is from Canada, so that knocks it down a point making America the best.

Except for China, they created firecrackers.

So, in summation, China is the best country and America is a little better than Canada because of my ex.

So, when someone starts a third world war, you know who's winning it: Scotland.



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