Saturday, March 20, 2010

Mother Hubbard

Letter to the Editor (just received)

Dear Levi,
I have a real dilemma. I have a friend who threw a snowball at a 9 year-old Russian boy, and broke his glasses. Could this incident could be the start of the new cold war? The Russians have since moved away, but I always have this orange and white helicopter with a blue cross on it following me everywhere I go. In your oppinion, could this be a case of genital warts?

Genital Kelly

Dear Genital Kelly,
Genital warts are a sure sign of Russian invasion and vice versa. Throughout the middle ages, young men would carry out frequent picnics into the gardens of young simian beasts and beat madly pie molds upon the grassy knolls and spend their evenings making precious stones from mayonnaise. Furthermore, the Russians would then attack via the front door, crushing their American counterparts to pieces using a scimitar or bare hands. It is conceivable that the youngsters in the house would try to help "mommy" or "daddy," but would be shot on site with a small range BB gun fashioned from Okra and Popsicle sticks. Later, in the show it was obvious that Sonny was whacked on elephant tranquilizers and needed Cher's help. Her poise in those moments are some of the crowning jewels that kept the show afloat. Brutally pulverizing the remaining china and crystal, the Russians would move to each room, collecting women's undergarments and other keepsakes to take home to their comrades. Some would yell "Viva Switzerland" for no reason at all as they would do so. Then, we bake the pie for 40 minutes on 450, whilst stirring the lemon pudding with a large spoon or knife and then soaking our genitals in a flower pot. Killing each and everyone of them, the Americans returned home to their wives where they slowly spread the genital warts and then lending a large dose to the Baby Boomers to be born.
Therefore, yes.

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