Saturday, March 20, 2010

Eating Problem

More Eating Problems

So, let me go off topic before we even start: I just saw a man "farmer" blowing his nose into a sink, then inhaling water up his nose and blowing it out again.


Back on topic: I'm still fat.

Yes, still fat, but have run into another solution: "Eat your breakfast, Matt."

Recently, my mother was diagnosed with some low-level diabetes, which after dieting she may or may not have.

So, whereas my father has found Christ (another story, another day), my mother has found Atkins.

It's frustrating when your mother and father are fighting over your body and soul. It's a drama that I didn't think I would have to live through and lately the conversations have been degenerating into Christ and carbs.

But, Ma did lose a shitload of weight, so maybe I'll heed her advice.

As for my father – I don't think good Christians call you drunk in the evening and gloat about one of your favorite writer's blowing their heads off.

So, the one thing Ma kept harping on is the breakfast.

"You know, if you just eat breakfast it'll make all the difference."

"Just have a breakfast bar with your coffee."

"I've been losing weight and I owe it to eating breakfast."

"Dear Christ! Eat some fucking breakfast you fat fuck!"

And so on.

So, the other day I purchased some breakfast bars. I looked for the key words that spell out healthy: Nutra and Start.

See, when eating breakfast you have to incorporate the start of the morning and nutrition. That's why there's a million different breakfast bars, but "Nutra" and "Start" will appear in every label:






And so on.

I stood in the Fred Meyer weighing my options.

There was the 180 calorie ones, with no carbs.

Then there was the 90 calorie ones with massive carbs.

There were 60 different bars and no in between.

So, I purchased a massive carb and a low calorie box and spliced them together.

Now I'm set. I call my mother up and say "Ma, I'm gonna start eating fucking breakfast!" and then I hang up.

The next morning I eat a breakfast bar on the way into work. There's crumbs falling all over the place, I can't manage my coffee and the eating at the same time and I slam into a divider.

Later, at work I start feeling something that I haven't felt in years: hunger.

It's two hours after the consumption of the breakfast bar and it's done its magic: my metabolism has become a burning caldron of digestion and each atom of food is being processed at the speed of light.

You see, when you haven't eaten breakfast since first grade and you introduce the equivalent of kindling on the metaphorical fire pit that is your stomach you find that your body has a way of bouncing back.

I had plans to go out to lunch with Scott at around 12. By the time 11.04 rolled around I was about to eat my own hand. I'm looking at coworkers and wondering what the microwave time would be on human flesh. Worse, I'm actually thinking about eating food from our cafeteria.

Finally, a Fatburger later, I'm satisfied. I have quenched the beast, which is my newfound appalling appetite that was brought on by the evils of breakfast.

But, on the plus side, I lost ninety pounds all thanks to a Nutraberrycrunchcycle bar.

And, you know what? I'm happy.



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