Saturday, March 20, 2010

NIN Party from Before

Bad Movie and NIN Release Party


I saw the worst fucking movie in my life last night.

Moby Presents: Alien Sex Party.

First off, I have no idea why I rented this.

Second off, I hate Moby.

Last off, I just wanted to do the last off thing from Napoleon Dynamite.

So, I finish The Bridge Over the River Kwai (fucking awesome movie, get it.) and since I have only the fa├žade of a life, I popped in my next Netflix movie, which was the disaster Moby made.

The guy's music is fucking techno ala elevator and his annoying mug makes me want to brutally torture bald people. So, why did I rent this?

It had the word "sex" in it.

That's the only thing I can think of. There's no other reason I would rent this.

Well, I pop it in and here's the low down:

It's about this porno shop on Christmas Eve. I'm sure some alien shit went down, but I didn't finish the fucking god awful movie.

But, it's not just a bad movie – it's like Dogma, it wants to be something it could never be.

Dogma is another movie that was pure pretentious garbage. "Hmmm, let's say some obviously P.C. things that come off as revelations and throw in that ghost that was George Carlin."

Thinking of that piece of shit makes me want to kill God.

Anyway, the Moby movie tries to act camp by making a movie about a porno store where all the actors and the plot resemble a porno movie's bad acting and bad plot.

I think that's what they were shooting for; otherwise, it's just a shitty movie with no pretension, thus making it not as bad.

Also, they try to gig on the Clerks motif by having a couple of guys sitting around bullshitting about comics and sex. Then, they throw the guy from Clerks into the mix to somehow make you think: "Oh, well, if he's in it then they aren't ripping it off, it's just a homage."

Bullshit.

This movie is so fucking terrible in so many ways that the only use for it is to recommend it to an ex-girlfriend.

This movie is so fucking terrible that I wish it were a living organism, because I would grapple with it until it begged "uncle."

This movie is so fucking terrible that I bet if I shot it from a cannon into North Korea, within a week they'd surrender to us and beg the United States to take them over if only to get rid of this awful, awful movie.

Good God I hate this movie.



Nine Inch Nails CD Release Party: I WILL ARRIVE!



So, it's just been announced that there will be a release party at Experience Music Project on the 29th.

EMP is the shitty rock museum that Paul Allen shat from his ass while holding his enormous girth up using the Space Needle for leverage.

I'm excited about the release party, but I have my reservations: fucking Goth kids will be there.

Look, I like nails, but I by no means believe I'm a tortured vampire like these kids.

I can just picture them: all fat with eyeliner and bad acne, giving you looks for being wasted and demanding strong drink.

I can picture it in my head: I'm going to show up wasted, get the free poster, mug some kids for their free posters, order the disc, get the free single, mug some kids for their singles, then lay back and listen to the new album after removing eyeline'd children from the futuristic chaise lounge that only EMP can offer.

Soon, these smarmy little punk Goths with their Britannica knowledge of every hair on every mole on Trent Reznor's ass will converge on me and demand revenge.

I'm sure they'll do this by summoning level four D&D powers of altruistic revenge demons upon me and crowd around licking their fake vampire teeth in anticipation of

AN ASS BRUISING.

God, the ecstasy of taking a plump Goth kid and throwing him or her through a plate glass window and then stabbing them with their huge crucifixes and....

K, I'm done.

But, you get my point: this would be a lot cooler if Goth kids weren't going to be there.



Pleace,

Matt

No comments: