Ways to Amuse Children

Ways to Amuse Children

When a police or fire engine goes by, it's funny to explain to children "You hear that? That's an ambulance. Mommy has died. And you know why? Because you wouldn't buckle up when I told you." When you get home, say "SURPRISE" when they see mommy.

If a child asks "Where do babies come from?" Tell them that most are brought by the stork, but some are genetically engineered to pee their beds, then wink knowingly.

If a child begins to pout about not getting their way show them an elaborate crucifix and tell them how Jesus didn't get his way either.

If a child has a nightmare and asks to sleep in the bed with you, lift your leg and rattle it. Then act like you're being devoured by an enormous snake.

If your child is ever the victim of a bully, it's fun to ask them what names the bully called them, then tell your child that that is his new nickname.

When asked if heaven is up in the clouds, stroke your chin and say, "Yeah, I think it is" then explain that that must mean that you're both in hell.

Tape an episode of Barney, then tape the brutal slaying scenes from Jurassic Park over the end. Then play it for your child and explain that Barney is only doing what is natural for him.

If you have a child that likes to play with dolls, a funny thing to do is snatch them all up while she's sleeping and explain the next morning that all the dolls went out to get jobs and start acting like adults as she should.

While looking out at the ocean, explain to your child that it was made with the tears from God. Then explain that God cries a lot when children reach eight and still have training wheels.

On Christmas Eve explain that Santa gives coal out to only the most evil human beings in the world. Then fill your own stocking with coal and on Christmas day open the gifts with a large butcher knife.