Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Health Care - just kidding

Teenagers are the Only Cool Thing on this Planet

(When they're not playing rap full blast and talking like 50 Cent was their English teacher)

Click Me

I would've gone the Ding Dong route - it's less gay.

Also, whose semen did he use? His own? I have enough homophobic tendencies that the mere idea of any dude eating my sperm would make me ill.

Also, I could never pull this prank off because I'd be up for attempted murder.

No, I don't have AIDS, but I have toxic sperm.

See, when you blow a load, you fire off a dollop of manifold fighters that are intent on doing only one thing: penetrating the egg like a bunker buster.

The sperms fight each other to get to the egg like a feeding frenzy for a donut involving the Rove and Limbaugh families.

Good god that was a shitty analogy. I sat there and thought about it for a while, even.

Moving right along, each sperm battles every other sperm, using their tails like whips to mangle their opponent. Towards the end, it's down to 100 sperms all battling it out in the steel cage that is the...the...the fucking place where the egg gets fertilized. Damn!

But, only one sperm will have the grappling skills to squirm its way into the cradle of life like the man who produced them squirmed his way into the woman's one bedroom town home.

It's vicious and it really tells you something about humanity.

If it weren't for social norms, I would strap a tail on my back and whip my ass at anyone in my way to get a cup of coffee in the break room.

Man, that would be awesome. And, basically, it means that whoever shakes their booty the best is the overlord of man. Sir Mix A Lot would be President...Good God!

Anyway, so, sperm are like rabid Dobermans. That's the point I'm making here.

Wait! No, my point is that my sperm would kill someone if injected.

Well, in high doses, like the kind that would frost an entire batch of brownies.

Dude, that kid must have spanked it a good fifty times to frost an entire batch of brownies.

You gotta work for revenge.

So, ladies, don't worry, you can still blow me: my sperm is only lethal in high doses.

The reason being: my sperm are drunk and they smoke. Imagine swallowing millions of drunk little tadpoles, all smoking cigarettes.

Now, imagine the amount that it would take to frost brownies.

You'd choke on cancer and cirrhosis.

So, ladies, the moral of the story is this: never ask me to frost brownies with my semen, because it'll give you cancer.

Oh, and Sir Mix A Lot would be your overlord if we lived like sperm.

Blind Justice?

Click Me

Look, I have nothing against guns: John Kerry, Kurt Cobain, Hunter S. Thompson, William Burroughs, and Chewbacca were all gun owners.

I myself am not a gun owner. The reason: I would end up like Cobain or Thompson. Hell, even worse: Kerry.

But, are we going too far when we give the blind a gun?

My cousin is mentally handicapped and her birthday is coming up. Do you think I should get her a Beretta?

I don't care if the guy used I-Ching to nail the target and Patton guided his hand from beyond the grave: it's just too fucking nuts.


I know it's rude to compare the blind to drunks – but, look, neither of us can drive a car, so why would we get guns?

I guess this makes me wonder if this guy has a seeing sight dog. Like, it nudges the barrel toward the target for the blind dude.

Also, this guy has the best excuse in the world for murder: HE'S FUCKING BLIND!
"Mr. Blindguy, what happened on the night of September 22?"

"I shot my wife."

"Because she was having an affair with the Gardner?"

"No. Of course not. You see, I didn't know it was my wife, I thought it was the target."

"What? Are you blind?"

"You better believe it!"

Well, I'm done for today.

Oh, wait – I came upon something that you might find shocking. You may even cry. I don't know. But, I would have to say that the fate of the world probably depends on this.

K, so you know those small, nothing microwavable burritos that you buy in 30 packs at Costco? You know the ones that replaced Top Ramen as the stoner food of choice? K, well.... here goes.... they have FUCKING 280 calories in them apiece! I know what you're thinking: God Matt is fucking awesome. Then, you're probably thinking: Dude, it's a fucking microwavable burrito, did you think it was healthy?

Of course not, that's ridiculous. But, the tiny fucking thing has the same amount of calories as half a sub from Subway, with everything on it. Not only that, but if you eat two of these little things you're eating the equivalent of a Whopper.

Why not just get the fucking Whopper with all that shit on it?

Good Lord, will anything make fucking sense in this world.

Oh, also, Mt. St. Helens is blowing again. What a bitch. Cross your fingers that it desolates Eastern Washington even more so and that it somehow gets me out of work.

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