Saturday, March 20, 2010

Wanting Tree

MSN Should Prove Itself to the Underground: Feature my Amazing Space

Well, a lot has changed on Spaces since I left to fake sick for one and a half days.

Apparently, Volvo is being advertised right alongside such Levi pieces as "Edgar Allen Cheeseburger" and "Killyourselfalready."

This is great news for Volvo, because I think they've been missing that white-knuckled, chronic masturbator demographic.

"Honey, I just read this post on Larrington about ceramic people that have bazaars out on communal porches in Seattle. Oh, and did you see the new Volvo?"

Is there someway Spaces could incorporate my stories into the ad? Now that would rock my body.

Introducing the sleek, four cylinder Volvo XC90. It'll rip your lungs out at 100 miles an hour as you down that bottle of Thunderbird while a hooker blows you and you give a pig the finger as he bites your dust. Volvo: for people who treat life like a circus.

I think I got hard just writing that.

But, what have you all done for me lately? I guess I enjoy the free advertising in your Spaces and the comments that make me out to know what I'm talking about; but what else?

Email Spaces!

Yes, spread my seed to the uptight, white world of bicycle enthusiasts and backpacking geeks.

Are you tired of the same old blog full of photos of the Andes and poems about cats?

Well, who destroyed the malaise?

Me, that's who. Sure, there's a number of Spaces that are almost as good as this one, but where can you find a petting zoo where goats are submerged into the ocean and attacked by sharks for the children's pleasure?

So, with all the pomp and majesty of a man who once begged a prostitute not to tell the strippers at De Ja Vu that he's 2 inches of no fun, I tell you this: DEMAND THAT LEVI LARRINGTON IS FEATURED!

Just look at what's featured.

Did you look?

C'mon, look.

OK, I'm going to take it in kind that you looked.

It's something about ghosts, Hawaii and I think I remember something about a guy who uses the word "rant" in his title.

Let's do the math.

Ghosts + Hawaii + Rants = the teacups at Disneyland.

We shouldn't stand for this shit! No, we must demand satisfaction! We must elevate my ego and my Space to the limits of the Blogosphere. We shall erect golden statuettes of my two-inch penis and rain down on my belly virgins and malt liquor.

Yes, then we will transcend God and make a world of our own. We will name it Larevi and we'll eat a lot of hummus.

Man, that would be dope.

I...wait...ummmmm...OH YEAH! So, email Spaces and tell them that Volvos suck ass and Richard Dreyfuss should be beaten with dead sea otters.

Look, they won't feature a site that uses the word "anal" 435 times within one month, but maybe we can change that? Maybe? Hmmm? Maybe?

In conclusion: vote for Levi Larrington – because he'll visit your site and tell you what a great writer you are. He really will.



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