Saturday, March 20, 2010

Things to Help You Stay Sober


Do you have a drinking problem? Are you in recovery? Is recovery becoming boring and dull? Can't find a way to fit in a life without the fuel you crave? Tired of AA alternatives to drinking?

Well, here is a list of 50 things you can do that will make you feel like you're drunk without having to drink.

It's just that simple!

So, here, for fans of the search for Larrington, I present a 50-step program...because most of you should stop drinking.

1. Walk up to a horse and ask it to "show me your tits!"

2. Spike the office coffee with Pepsi.

3. Explain to a small child that George W. Bush has his or her best interests at heart.

4. Purposely weave, and then hit another vehicle on the road. When the vehicle pulls over, hit them again, and again. When the cop comes, go "Ha! You caught me, but this time I'm sober! Joke's on you, Jack!"

Turn off all the lights in your bedroom, turn up the music really loud and throw books at the wall as hard as you can when the choruses hit.

6. Ask a homeless person for some change.

7. Order stew at McDonald's.

8. Admit in an AA meeting that you started drinking because a mule raped you at the age of 13.

9. Put out a new album.

10. Email Barnes and Nobel and demand that they carry slacks.

11. Use the word "galoshes" as much as possible.

12. Spam your entire office with offers of a free "stapling."

13. Wipe a Hershey bar with toilet tissue in the bathroom, come back and while holding the tissue up say "Toilet's not flushing" then throw the tissue on your boss' desk.

14. Tell people that robots from the future are coming to kill you, because you know which celebrities are gay.

15. Hit on a parked car.

16. Show up for a kindergarten class.

17. Fill up a 32-ounce AM/PM mug with gasoline and then look at the person at the pump and say "I'm a robot." Pretend to drink.

18. Announce at a family dinner "I'm still not gay!"

19. Put up a "Free Rides" sign in front of a retirement community.

20. Hang a photograph of another person's apartment in your apartment.

21. Serve a turkey stuffed with microwavable burritos and Hotpockets.

22. Tell the person you're riding up an elevator with that "God, I wish you weren't in here, cuz I really have to fart."

23. When ask for a light, rub your hands together really fast and say "I hope my charred hands are worth your nicotine fix."

24. When asked what you did the night before say you "made love outta nothing at all."

25. Broil a soft drink.

26. Empty your BBQ ashes into an urn and place it on the mantel with a gold plate that says "Cheesburger: May 2005."

27. Repeat 26, but drop ash onto front lawn and place some dog tags in the middle of it.

28. Order a cheeseburger at the library.

29. At church, yell "Bring forth the sacrifice!"

30. Tell people that you can communicate with "the animals." If they don't believe you, say you'll demonstrate by having consensual sex with their dog.

31. Answer your phone "I wish I was dead. How are you?"

32. When asked for foreplay, reply "K, I'll go get the silverware."

33. Burn the flag of Peru; just in case they piss you off and you don't have time to purchase a Peru flag. Tell people that you're always prepared for life.

34. Burn Peter Jennings in effigy.

35. Call the Larry King show and tell them they've won a donkey.

36. Turn to a coworker and ask "Do you smell that?" Raise an eyebrow and say "that's the smell of total commitment to this project." This is especially funny if you work fast food.

37. Place coins over the eyes of a sleeping loved one.

38. Accuse a shrub of stealing your wallet.

39. Ask for the new Nine Inch Nails album at the Gap.

40. Ask your boss if you can ride them.

41. If you're a cop, aim a gun at a tree and tell it to freeze.

42. If you're the President, take up religion and bomb a country.

43. Get those inflatable staircases for your car.

44. Get those drop down oxygen masks for your car.

45. Place those vomit bags from the plane in the pews at a church.

46. Change your name to "That Guy/Girl."

47. .Begin sentences with the punctuation they should end with

48. Decide that 50 means 48.



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