Saturday, March 20, 2010

Fun at the Movies

Top Ten Things That Make me Want to Murder People in Movie Theaters

10. Guy in back of me at popcorn line who kept telling his friend about his new SUV. "It's a commitment, I'll tell you that. The maintenance alone will put me in the garage a bit, but I think it's worth it." Listen fuckface, first of all you suck, second of all your SUV is probably double parked over the bodies of homeless people, you awful, awful hairy yuppie.
9. The utterings of the usher. "mmmovemmthemmm" What? Then I have to nod and say something which doesn't complete the interchange and I get a "You idiot" look. Shit, talk AT THE HUMAN LEVEL OF COMPREHENSION. Christ, I'm not a fucking bat, sonar boy.
8. Large noggin guy in front of me. Shit this guy had the tiniest body in the world and by some genetic/future planning, God decided to place the fucking cranial giant in front of.
7. Extremely poor hygiene girl. She's got fucking zits the size of Gibraltar and some kind of wound on her hand. Shit, I want popcorn, not a bastion of ebola served by Bella Logosi.
6. Movie Previews. Fucking every time I watch these things I get in a sour mood about the fucking movie I'm going to see. Christ, either no previews or make the fucking movies as good as the adverts.
5. Kids. Shit, I don't care if they're deaf, dumb, and paraplegic, they will still annoy me. I feel like I'm watching a movie in a daycare. I got at least three kids running up and down the aisles like batshit chickens on Ritlin, two kids in back kicking my seat and making that fake kid laughter sound, and about nine screaming babies who need to be shown abortion footage to kick start a better fucking attitude about life.
4. The bathroom. Fuck, for some reason people seem to think it's OK to talk to you while your taking a piss if you're in the movie environment. "Did you see those Orcs? Pretty sweet." Yeah, I saw the Orcs, now can we finish this conversation when I'm not holding my fucking dingus, you fuck?
3. Nacho eaters. I don't know why this bothers me, but are we such fat assed Americans that we need a fucking full appetizer to sit through two hours of something. Like, this theater is your surrogate living room and you have to have your microwaveable chud to enjoy yourself?
2. Fucking lines. Let us in! Shit, every movie I go to you can just walk in a half hour before, but the second it's a real blockbuster, money maker they won't let you in till two minutes before the fucking thing, then they start it right when the third person walks in. When there's no one there, they fucking start the movie a half hour after it's supposed to start. By the time the line starts moving I'm wishing to God I'm in a line for a Polish shower ala 1939.
1. My ass. Never fails, one hour into the movie and the fucking thing feels like rocks in a leather bag. Can we get some fucking couches in there or some sort of rubber donut so I can get through the movie without my pelvic bone being slowly ground into a diamond?

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