Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Adventures of Arnold Plebus

To recap, Arnold Plebus had just been evicted from his parents' house where he took off with the silverware and the Lexus.

"Oh, Lexus, where shall we go?" The Lexus only purred as it made its way through the Taco Bell drive-thru. Arnold pulled up to the window and waited. He could see the Taco Bell man in the window motioning for him to roll down his window.

Arnold yelled through the window that he would like a Whopper and a large fry.

"Roll down your window, asshole!"

"No, a Whopper!" After ten minutes Arnold pulled out of the drive-thru exclaiming "Remember the Alamo!" as he did a lawn job in the front greens. "Yes, Lexus, we must find a restaurant that will give us food, not orders. Oh, window, I'll never roll you down for Taco Bell, or anybody."

Pulling into Denny's, Arnold noticed that the Lexus was running low on gas, so he pulled next to a Mobile tanker and waited for service. After a half hour, he gave up and siphoned the gas out the tanker's personal tank.

"You fuck! What are you doing?" Arnold looked up, gas drooling from his mouth.

"I figured you had enough to spare."

"Fuck you!" The driver came running at Arnold with arms out for a shove, but Arnold thought better and grabbed the hose out of the gas tank and aimed it at the man's face hitting him directly in the eyes. "You dirty fuck!"

The man was rubbing his eyes, which only made it worse.

"That will only make it worse, captain."

"You bastard, my eyes, MY EYES!" The man was on his knees, but he began grabbing out for Arnold.

"No, don't try to make me part of you, gas-man. I will not become one of you!" And with that Arnold kicked the man in the face. Little did Arnold realize, he was wearing his special shoes that had zipper pouches on either side for zipping up packets of ketchup for later consumption. Well, the zipper came across the man's earring a bit too hard:

"I'M ON FIRE, ARRRRGGGHHHHH!" The man's face was now fully engulfed in flames.

"ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" Arnold shouted back straight in the man's face.

"ARRRHHHHG!" The man was up on his feet now.

"Here, I'll put you out." Arnold grabbed the siphon hose and began dousing the man.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Now the man was completely on fire.

"Wait, I have some Evian!" Arnold went into the Lexus and grabbed a half-full bottle of Evian. "Here, I'm a bit thirsty, so we'll split it."


"Why thank you, I've been watching what I eat." Arnold took a swig, swallowed and spit the rest on the man who was now on the pavement face down. "Hey, it's like the picture on the Rage Against the Machine album!"

By now there was a group of diners watching the brutal murder, agape.

"Sorry, elderlies, no Evian left." Arnold turned the bottle over to show them that it was true, then he quickly got in the Lexus and peeled out. "Oh, Lexus, poor Mobile Man is dead.

The flashing blue lights of the law were once again on the heels of Arnold.

"Oh, no, Lexus, we're being followed by a slot machine! No! that's not a slot machine, it's the law! Wait, let me put my Public Enemy tape in! Damn, no Public Enemy....wait, here's something!"

Driving 110 Mph on the freeway, listening to Forever in Blue Jeans, chewing on some Laffy Taffy, and being chased by cops it occurred to Arnold.... "The Silverware!"

The cops watched in awe as the Lexus in front of them began throwing off silverware. "What the hell is he doing?" The one cop said, the one that was fat and had a bad attitude and stunk like garlic.

"I don't know." Said the cop that I don't feel like describing.

One of the forks nailed the front cop car's tire at the exact, precise angle to do nothing at all. "I'm out of silverware, Lexus! We better pull over." Arnold pulled the E break. "E for emergency!" Arnold screamed as the car went spinning down the freeway and off an overpass and down, down, down into the river below.....

Catch the next episode of "Arnold has an Accident" or "Sleeping and Necking with the Fishes."

No comments: