Sunday, November 1, 2009

Because It Was There

Hello, good evening, welcome.
Tonight we'll have Matt Eckert on the show. Matt is going to tell us a little about his June climb of insanity.
Hello, Matt. Thanks for being with us.

Hey, great to be on.

Wonderful. Now, Matt, what made you want to go insane?

Well, I guess, like every kid, I've always had a need to explore. You know, kinduv a curiosity of what's out there. I remember as far back as third grade, when the other kids were climbing trees and such, I really just wanted to bash a pumkin over my own head and then sing "Goo Goo Gajoob" all the live long day.

Excellent. And how did your parents react to your early interest in going around the bend?

Well, quite frankly, they beat me. They beat me a lot. It wasn't a very fun childhood, but I found that the beatings pushed me farther into insanity.

Great. So, from there, where?

Well, I found myself in adolescents and like all males my age I had a huge attraction to the opposite sex. But, where other males would date and pet with the females, I would feel inclined to pour hot fudge sundaes on them. I guess I'm just a dreamer.

Interesting. And how did the teachers and faculty react to your shennanigans?

Well, they weren't too amused, except for my Biology teacher, Mr. Simokat. He was completly insane himself, so we got along real well.

Would you say that Mr. Simokat was something of an inspiration?

Yes, very much so. When I was wearing 18th century chastity belts to third period, he was wearing 14th century Catholic Jesuit barbed penis torture devices to fifth period.


Yes. He was a great guy and he taught me a valuable lesson.

And what's that?

That no matter how many diapers full of fecal matter you throw at the sun, you'll never be able to kill John Lennon again.

Ah. Alright. So, tell us about your climb to the the top of insanity?

Well, it's like this: I did it because it was there. A lot of mountain climbers, bungee jumpers, and accountants will talk about the high you get from taking life to the extreme, well that's what I was after. Only, my extreme had more to do with fecal matter.


Well, I decided that I wanted to be the first man to dress up in fecal matter and run for President of the Atlanitc ocean.

And how did that go?

Well, let's just say that come January my wife will be the first lady of an enormous body of water.


Yes. She wanted to be on the show, but she's two rolls of toilet paper and a piece of sandpaper so they wouldn't let her on the plane.

Interesting. So, what now? You're the President of the Atlantic ocean and covered in fecal matter - where do you go from here?

Well, I was thinking about a career in tin foil hat repair.



Thank you, Matt Eckert. Next week we have our fabulous guest Dan Brown, author of the Da Vinci Code!

I ate him last night in a bathtub full of Malto Meal.

Damn. Oh, well, I guess we'll have to grin and bare with Jay Leno's useless comedy once again. Cheers!

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm febal braned and did"t poot spelchick on. Also, my parents are the warmest, most loving people in the world and would never beat me - except that one time. JOKE!)

Marion Beckert

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