Sunday, November 8, 2009

No Need to Swine the Hoop

Tremendous Alien Abduction from Outer Space

"Come over at 4 PM. If you want to drink with the Irish, you can panhandle with the Irish."

- Bob Eckert

It was around four in the morning when the aliens abducted me last night. Aliens are mean creatures and demand strange things: like that I cook a shit load of hashbrowns and eat them with ketchup and sour cream.
Some facts about aliens:
They are from outer space
They drink Tab
They reproduce using only Q-tips and their nipples
They watch a lot of Benson

Some choice alien quotes:

You will make us Hot Pockets, or you'll regret it.
There is no capitol of Virginia.
We created gingivitis as a weapon against you Earthlings. It didn't really turn out as we would have expected.
I have yet to finish my collection of Micro Machines, but soon....sooon....

And so on. Aliens show up on my doorstep at all hours, but last night I had had it.
"We crash landed on your car port! We must phone home and have some nachos!"
"And Tab."
"Yes, and Tab!"

This was from Francis and Earl. They usually visit me three times a week with a new story. Their "starship" hasn't left the Earth in five years. So, they really aren't even aliens anymore. They're five feet tall, and resemble the normal white skinned, skinny, big black eyed aliens you read about all the time, but they're in drag.
Hell, I'm not sure it's even drag. They could be women for all I know.
The first time they came, I was freaked out of my mind. I truly know the feeling of being paralyzed with fear.
It was around two years ago. I heard a rock hit my bedroom window and open the blind to see who it was. Yep, you guessed it: Ed Asner. I went around, unlocked the door and let Ed in so he could "sleep it off" on my couch. As I was letting him in, Francis came from out of a bush and stood looking at my curiously. I stood, unable to move until Francis let out a loud fart and Earl came from out of the bush and started laughing.
"Ha, you farted!"
"It smells like tacos."
"You didn't have any tacos."
"Yes, we did, last week."

The rest is history.
So, the aliens came by last night and decided that they wanted to "abduct" me in a Chevy Nova they ripped off the night before.
"Begin the abduction!"
"You are going down mister!"

OK, I'm realizing I'm just doing a very poor job of ripping off Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I'm going to stop now. But, considering I wasted a half hour doing this, I'm going to post it anyway.
Fuck it.
Writer's block.
Van Damn!

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