Monday, November 2, 2009


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From: Donavan Blaine
Sent: Friday, July 16, 2004 10:31 AM
To: Shelley Weber
Subject: Toastmasters

Shelley, it was another high energy day at Toastmasters. You really missed out.
How did the operation go? Good? I hope so. Now I can say I know someone with Lyme disease. Ha Ha.
Anyway, everyone was sad to see you gone. Ruth made some of her world famous brownies and we all had a good laugh at Marcus', the black guy, witty banter. Although, Marcus, once again, explained to us he wasn't making a joke. What a zany nut!
Anywho, I decided to take the liberty of sending you the transcript as I know you'll be interested in hearing about all the shenanigans that went on.
Also, little head's up: next week we're doing speeches on world domination and how to enslave puny Earthlings. Isn't that a gas?
Anyway, enjoy!

DONAVAN: Welcome Toastmasters and honored guests!

ALL: Welcome Donavan.

DONAVAN: I see Marcus is eating a ham sandwich – Marcus, you crazy nut!

ALL: (Laughing)

MARCUS: Yeah...ha....dumb ass.

DONAVAN: Well, anyway, today we're going to – well, let's all hold our breath as that guy in the purple walks in. Excuse me! Excuse me, sir? But, we don't allow smoking in the Budget Room.

ZORLACK: HA HA HA. I will smoke where I want to, puny Earthling. For I am Zorlack, MASTER TOASTMASTER! AH HA HA!

DONAVAN: Oh, my. It looks like we have a trouble maker. Marcus, do you know him?

MARCUS: What? ....son of a bitch...

ZORLACK: I have come to give the Master, Toastmaster speech! You see, I come from Neptune, where Toastmasterings began! Listen as I recite the words of old!

DONAVAN: Do you have any kind of credentials?

ZORLACK: Oh, oh, sorry, sorry. Here ya go – no, wait, that's triple A, uh, yes, here!

DONAVAN: Alright, everybody, looks like he checks out. Well, we're in for a treat! A Master Toastmaster! I've heard of you in legends of old, but a real Master Toastmaster? My god! This is the most amazing thing I've seen since Sweatin' to the Oldies came out on DVD!

ZORLACK: Yes, my Earth-slave, I am most amazing. I have the power to do this!

DONAVAN: You turned my right arm into shelving! You are amazing!

ZORLACK: Yes, in fact, that is but nothing!

MARCUS: Oh, great, thanks, I was going to eat that.....bastard...

ZORLACK: For I have turned his ham sandwich into...more shelving!

DONAVAN: Can you turn things into anything else besides shelving?

ZORLACK:'s it. Wait!, that's it. Sorry. But, I can make squirrel sounds! (squirrel sounds)

DONAVAN: Breathtaking.

ZORLACK: Isn't it, though?

MARCUS: Uh, look, can we get onto the speeches? I have a 1 o'clock upstairs.

DONAVAN: Ha ha ha! Marcus, you're such a clown!

MARCUS: What the hell? Do you not understand the structure of a joke? That wasn't a joke! There was nothing remotely funny about it.

DONAVAN: Oh, Marcus, you'll have us in tears before long.

MARCUS: I bet you think all Asians carry calculators and cameras, too, huh?

DONAVAN: Asians don't need calculators.

MARCUS: That's it, I'm out of here.

ZORLACK: SILENCE! BEHOLD: I will now give you the speech of the ages! Stand back as I unleash my superior speaking skills upon your puny Earth minds. Then, enjoy as I ride your species into the ground and enslave your people and turn your animals into shelving!

MARCUS: Hey, if you could make Donavan less white, that would be sweet.

ZORLACK: Yes, yes, I know, Donavan is very stereotypical....look, hey, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable here. You know, with this race thing going on. Let me just make the speech, enslave your people and you and Donavan work this's that?

MARCUS: That's cool. Can I get my sandwich back?

ZORLACK: NO! Your sandwich is floating in the third ring of the planet Trapezore in the Third Nebula!

MARCUS: You don't know how to change it back, do you?

ZORLACK: No...I can change it into shelving, but then.....DAMN! Why can't I change it back? I worked on it for years and –

DONAVAN: Maybe you could give us a speech about it?


DONAVAN: Alright, people, I give you: ZORLACK!

ZORLACK: Thank you Toastmaster Donavan. Thank you Toastmasters and distinguished guests. Today I will be talking about my trip to the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is farthest..wait, wait, can I start again?

DONAVAN: Just go on, you're doing fine.

ZORLACK: You sure? I kinda messed up that one part there and....DAMNIT! DAMNIT! I always choke on the Grand Canyon speech.

DONAVAN: You're doing fine.

MARCUS: I thought you were supposed to be some bad ass Master Toastmaster?

ZORLACK: You will shut it! You will shut it, now! I am the Grand Master Toastmaster of the planet Neptune. My people were making speeches about family vacations when you people were living in caves!

MARCUS: What the hell? My people? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

ZORLACK:, I didn't mean it that way. You see I was talking about my.....this isn't going well at all.

MARCUS: Space cracker.


MARCUS: Space cracker. "You people." Man....

ZORLACK: I guess I deserve that....I'm sorry, Marcus.....I guess, I just got frustrated with my Grand Canyon speech and everything went to hell. I'm sorry. I apologize.

MARCUS: That's cool.

ZORLACK: OK....OK....where was I? YES! The Grand Canyon is far away on – in the state of.....SHIT! I always forget what state it is – wait, you know what? I have a better speech about aluminum siding. Can I do that?

DONAVAN: I'm sorry, Zorlack, you're time has run out.

ZORLACK:, do I get to come back?

DONAVAN: Well, you are a Master Toastmaster.

ZORLACK: Yes, yes I am. My people will be here shortly to enslave you and turn your oceans into aluminum siding!

MARCUS: Wait, I thought you could only change things into shelving?

ZORLACK: Oh...yeah, I forgot about the siding. It's different with oceans. Oceans turn into aluminum siding......everything else turns into shelves.

MARCUS: That's nuts.

ZORLACK: I guess it's just God's way.

DONAVAN: Well, it's been great having you.

ZORLACK: YES! Yes it has been great presiding over your adequate speech forums. So, until next time, I bid you a Toastmaster's grand (squirrel sounds).

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