Wednesday, November 25, 2009



Facilities has wiped down your desk and removed any biohazards from your area.
A liquid nitrogen sweep of your desk was used to kill any remaining bacteria. Therefore, it is important to test all objects on your desk for any cracks, leaks, etc. that may occurred due to the freezing process.
Faith has been restored to this cube, and your coworkers celebrate your return to work/regret your sorrowful passing.
Keep in mind that your integration back into the work force will be a trying time and we have provided the following number for any assistance you may need: 1 800 738 3838.
In the even that you are in fact deceased, please disregard this message.
Further, be informed that many of your coworkers are suspected of being infected by you and your suite of pathogens. Therefore, you may be entering an empty cube.
Worker, it is your responsibility to take on the tasks of the department in this event. As a company we cannot maintain with 75% of our workforce gone because of exposure to your flu. We are counting on you.
You may notice that some coworkers will return to work zombified by the near death experience that follows Swine Flu. A small booklet and job aid on how to remove the heads of said zombies has been inserted in your desk drawer. Look over the contents and remain vigilant. Zombies feed off the brain tissue of the living and it's important to note that you low level employment at this company/firm demonstrates that you lack the capacity for it. However, if you feel you are employed in this state as a result of a misfortune and do have the brain matter that zombies crave, it is a good idea to sniff strong cheese as to give your brain an unpleasant aroma.
The company/firm is not responsible for any wrongful zombie death. For instance, if you feel you have killed a human in error, please report it to the police department/martial law in your neighborhood. From there it is out of our hands.
You may notice an unpleasant aroma coming from your neighbor's cubes – that is simply a highly qualified employee sniffing cheese to ware off zombie attacks – pay no attention.
In the event that you return to work with no management available, please create tasks that are time consuming for yourself to do. We can't have you being lazy even if there is no work to perform.
Workers payments will continue to be processed as automation survives. However, keep in mind that your employer is in possession of a dead man's switch that he can turn as he passes which will null and void all payments to you, the worker.
If you find that you are not receiving payments and feel there is no point in coming to work, we would like to remind you that we still have the best benefits in the business and Friday is still Hawaiian t-shirt day.
Your phone will now only dial out to an emergency line.
Coffee and bathroom privileges have been revoked due to contamination. If you feel you need to relieve yourself, please use a purse or wallet.
The cafeteria will also be closed and workers are encouraged to not bring food into work by penalty of gun shot.
Lastly, be merry! You survived the epidemic and still work for the best company in the world, no matter who's left and if you are being paid.
Who knows, maybe next year you'll be enjoying a promotion as head zombie burier.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I crave cleanliness.