Thursday, November 12, 2009

Put Your Mind Into It!

You can do anything you want, if you put your mind to it

It's true.

A lot of people like to tell you what you can and can't do. Sometimes it's even that little man inside you telling you what's possible and what isn't. Either way, they're wrong.

You can do anything you like, if you put your mind to it and start ignoring those who say otherwise. In fact, the meaning of life is proving them wrong.

So, I think it might be beneficial to us all if we write down (notepad, blog, email) a list of things we would all like to accomplish that we've been told we can't.

The real evil in this world is other people's perception of reality becoming your own. Don't let the nogoodniks ruin your time here; don't waste this gift.

Here's a list of 100 things I would like, nay, WILL do in my lifetime no matter what anyone says.

God bless,

1. Become an astronaut

2. Walk from coast to coast

3. Write a novel

4. Win the Gold in Olympic diving

5. Lactate

6. Give birth to kittens

7. Eat Mt. Rainier in one sitting

8. Throw a Lake Washington across the Pacific

9. Make love to a star system

10. Write a poem using only vowels

11. Create a theme park using the bones of John Lennon

12. Plant a tree on Mt. Everest

13. Sing backup for Aretha Franklin

14. Shake hands with Robert Bork

15. Ingest my own body

16. Create an exit plan for Iraq

17. Become Lyndon Johnson for a day

18. Make horseradish sauce out of clay

19. Eat a delicious slice of pizza off a plate made out of pizza

20. Change the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner to include the line "And a fag is Fred Astair"

21. Put an end to slurs against all people, even fags

22. Change my name to Margaret Masterson

23. End poverty by turning deserts in to pop tarts (I bet you thought I would say desserts)

24. Devour the brains that shot out of JFK's head

25. Make love to nothing at all

26. Sell hotdogs and soda in a session of congress

27. Be the man to rip the mask off George W. Bush to find that he's actually the diabolical caretaker of the wax museum

28. Take a date to Tulsa

29. Grow a beard made out of fine gold and then contract syphilis from Bette Midler

30. Change the alphabet to include the letter ampersand

31. Implant myself into Tom Cruise's stomach so that I can leap out, tearing his insides out like Alien

32. Yodel a 50 Cent song underwater during an air raid in Nairobi

33. Sell the Brooklyn Bridge to rube, then realize that I really owned the Brooklyn Bridge and think to myself "Oh, brother, what have I done?"
34. Poop out Ben Kenobi

35. Develop an Otter Pop that tastes like Fish and Chips

36. Drink malt liquor out of the skull of Easy E

37. Cut the Earth in half and hollow out one side for the world's biggest pool

38. Make an abstract painting of an abstract painting...then poop on it

39. Go back in time and take third grade again with all the knowledge that I possess now and at the end of the year scream at the councilor "LEARNING DISABILITY MY ASS, LOOK AT MY GENIUS TIME TESTS NOW!"

40. Create a cell phone that works

41. Create a President that works

42. Take a month's vacation, as President, right before a major attack on the United States and then reap the benefits of the attack in the next election and thereafter

43. Incite a blogger to take me down from their favorites list because of my political beliefs

44. Hunt Oprah Winfrey for sport

45. Create a crime dram that never once uses a detailed CG view of the insides of a human body or a bullet entering the human body

46. Drill a hole through the earth and then piss down it and see what happens

47. Travel forward in time and tell everyone that I'm Jesus, they'll believe this because I'll have a beard

48. Finally terminate that whiny brat John Conner

49. Change the name of Frosted Flakes to Bobby Bonilla

50. Become the first white NBA star

51. Scale myself down to one inch and reap the benefits of living the rest of my life off a large pizza and a gallon of gas

52. Find out why the Beatles get more fame than Pink Floyd

53. Become a Cucina Cucina for two hours

54. Tubing (it's really hard to explain)

55. Become President and rule that anyone who watches reality shows are terrorists

56. Send the terrorists into orbit

57. Fight enemy terrorists in space

58. Declare "Mission Accomplished" atop the Millennium Falcon with a huge hard on, even though the terrorists are regrouping on Mars

59. Make passionate love to Chewbacca

60. Fist Goldie Hawn

61. Declare my penis a national monument

62. Retrieve the Lost Ark from Dagobah

63. Have a sit down dinner with TV's Fran Drescher

64. Find out whatever happened to Ed Begley Jr. and then beat him like a gong

65. Create a Barnes and Nobel that sells only lumber

66. Pick that wickedly funny mind of Bob Novak

67. Be a lesbian for a day

68. OK, be a lesbian for the rest of my life

69. Create a small moon out of all the centers of Oreo cookies everywhere

70. Speak Japanese with a Chinese tongue

71. Create the world's first landmine that makes you feel really super good when you step on it

72. Sell my landmine technology to India

73. Dance on the ceiling

74. By the power of Valtronon, make the lithosphere flow! FLOW!

75. Declare war on the Boy Scouts of America

76. List midgets as a national resource

77. Cane the next person who talks to me

78. Eat your head – you, reading this, I'm going to eat your head!

79. Make the final three episodes of Star Wars – the ones where I make passionate love to Chewbacca and Leia at the same time

80. Figure out how to spell what I think is Leia

81. Fart pure anthrax

82. Let's just say the Original Recipe will be mine: Matt 1, Colonel 0

83. (This is a hidden track and is 30 minutes after the end of the album)

84. To not be alarmed when there's a bussel in my hedgerow

85. Alert the crew of Holodeck 9

86. Create a Hungry Man dinner that consists of only Big League Chew

87. Give Garbage Pail Kids the Movie an Oscar in retrospect

88. End the career of Julia Roberts with a large, flaming zeppelin

89. Be a doctor and tell someone that their baby is doing fine and then say that you're just joking – the baby is doing better than fine, the baby is rock legend Lou Reed

90. Expect the unexpected and then when it doesn't happen sue all those damn movie companies

91. Take "Dr." Phil and shove his limbs down his own throat and hang his ball-like body from an awning and play "Dr." Phil piƱata

92. Find a way to explain that I hate Michael Moore, but really appreciate what he's doing

93. Have all my constitutional rights granted

94. Beat the living shit out of the Midas Man

95. Scour the Earth for delicious apple sauce made of the finest apples around

96. Create a beer that makes you lose weight, then hide that beer in a pyramid in Egypt and turn it all into this reality show where I drink the weight loss beer in the pyramid and shoot anyone who comes near me looking for my beer and I'll call it Survivor: Pyramid

97. Poison the Earth with a gas that's totally made of only carbs so that everyone will become fatter than me because I have this special suit that filters out the microscopic carbs, yo

98. Discover that Love is the only one true religion (aaahhhhhh)

99. Find out that most of the population, even with the Love knowledge, still wants to be Christian, Muslim, Mormon, etc. and hate

100. Finally reveal that I am God and then you're all like "Dude, I've been reading God's blog for years, I never would have guessed he was God, but now it all makes sense – praise thee!"

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