Sunday, November 1, 2009

Altoid Revolution

What I Think Should Have Been Done About the Hurricane

(No fucking clue)

But, the sight of that smirking bastard giving a "Way to go" to the FEMA director made me want to zook on my television, thousands of miles away.

I guess we should have all seen it coming when the retarded monkey, that is our leader, decided to appoint a man who managed Arabian stallions for a living.

How the fuck does that happen?

"K, basically, what we need is a can-do man. FEMA is our national fire hydrant and I want that hydrant bright and shiny. I want a man who has spent his life in Bosnia, Serbia, Sudan, Afghanistan, Iraq; I want the Indiana Jones of disaster.

Now, if we can't get him, let's go with the stallion-breeder guy."


Also, apparently the fact that FEMA is now under Homeland Security must have escaped me. I guess it makes sense that if the terrorists blow New York to Kingdom Come, a good disaster agency should be under them. But, we should have all seen this coming: a hurricane isn't a terrorist.

"K, so what are you telling me?"

"Well, what we have is a potential act of apocalypse coming in the form of wind and rain."

"Alright, are they using planes? Bombs? Robots?"

"No, sir. This is a hurricane. It's a mass of God's wrath bearing down on the Gulf."

"Right. So, it's a religious group. The Muslims again?"

"No. There are no humans controlling the hurricane."

"I don't understand? This is a radical force of destruction with no leader?"


"I refuse to believe that's possible. Give it a few days."

Meanwhile, the President was playing guitar with the gayest looking Country-Western star I have seen since Garth decided on that whole Menudo look.


Much like the hurricane, Oprah's large ass bore down on the Big Easy and offered hope and outrage.

There's nothing more awful that self-righteous outrage.

I agree that Bush, OHS, and FEMA fucked the goose; but, if you catch me weeping through the words "I am so mad" as I embrace a small baby and nurse my own ego – hurricane me.

Meanwhile, Sean Penn is drifting through floodwaters like Huck Finn on coke and Kanye (spl?) West is uttering mean accusations at our President.

Hold up.

Big ups to Kanye. Where I don't agree that the President is racist (I do agree he could give a fuck about anyone under the 50 million bracket), I did enjoy Kanye's remark. It's payback for the "If you're not with us, you're against us." remark Bush made a couple years ago.

Kudos to you, Kanye.

My sister called me in Chicago just to tell me about that one.


Barbara Bush put her crippled foot in her mouth again, chuckling over the comment that expressed the great joy the poor of NOLA must feel with their great environs in the fecal-stenched air of the Superdome.

This on the heels of her reply to a reporter asking her how she felt about the war dead in Iraq, where she responded "I wouldn't ruin my beautiful mind thinking about it."

This bitch hasn't dug a bigger hole since her husband told a group of angry blacks "Will you people shut up!" in 92.


"What's the situation look like?"

"Well, Harry Connick Jr. and Oprah are on the ground now. We have Sean Penn paddling in from Missouri, and Alycia Keyes should be parachuting into the Superdome in 19 hundred hours. FEMA will be there in approximately a fortnight."

"That's not going to be good enough. We need to send in BUSHCLINTONTRON!"

"But, sir, what these people need is solid celebrity hope!"

"Nuts to the people. What I have in mind is a carnival the likes we haven't seen since O.J. stabbed Michael Jackson in Scott Peterson's hot tub."


Did Clinton and Bush get this save the world idea from Saturday Night Live?

It's amazing.

Where the fuck is Carter? Does he only operate alone? Is he the Batman of this crew?

EH HUM! EH HUM! THAILAND???? INDIA???? remember that tsunami thing?


We realize you're still rebuilding – but, let's face it, we have a bond. Our Bangkok is now under water. Where will young springbreakers go without Bangkok or New Orleans? They'll have to drop ecstasy and hump 14-year-old prostitutes in Reno.

Nobody wants that. So, please, send us the three or four people left in Thailand and India.


W. fucked this big. Maybe not the hands-on fucking up he did with Iraq, but via his Office of Homeland Security that he's in charge of.

I'm just waiting for Pat Robertson to call this God's Wrath for interracial lesbian sex.

Oh well.

Pat's punishment will be the end of his excursions to NOLA for sex with nine-year-old boys.


Kanye (spl?)

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